A preview of South Carolina

I don't mean to suggest that the Nevada Caucus is unimportant, but the South Carolina Primary is important, which I can't say about the Nevada Caucus. So important, I declare, that the winners are highly likely to face off in November. I don't like to waste your time, so here goes.

1. South Carolina Primary - Elephants
I'm clueless. I can't read the people of South Carolina, which is kinda ironic. But, what I know is this: Ken Huckabee is a lock to lead the South Carolina Primary until the 11th hour. At the 11th hour, as Rudy and Mitt enjoy a burlesque show together in Vegas, Huckabee will watch in a helpless stupor as the Diebolds take a huge swing westward. Johnny snatches victory from the jaws of irrelevance, and leaves South Carolina with an enormous weekend sweep of the South Carolina Primary and the New Mexico Caucuses.



2. South Carolina Primary - Donkeys
Much more interesting than the baby elephant walk the Saturday before, Columbia will be enthralled by the goings on in the donkey primary. Will the South Carolina people support a mouthy broad? What about a sorta black dude? Or, a short, politically irrelevant guy? Or, will they stick with my first instinct and go with John E. from the cooler Carolina? As the day unfolds, it is clear that this one is going down to the wire. The second weekend of the tournament is clearly going to be more interesting than the first. John E. generally holds small leads throughout, while Hillary and Barack duke it out to see if either can challenge him. As the day winds down, it becomes apparent that Edwards is the soup du jour, and that Barack will leave with a solid #2 finish. Until Hillary pulls up from the top of the key and her shot nestles into the net. On the subsequent possession, Barack trips over Dennis while trying to pass the ball up court to John E., and Hillary takes it away - along with the lead, as her three pointer from the elbow bounces off the rim, the backboard, and the rim again before falling through. She ices the game from the free throw line, and ends up with a strong 13 point victory in South Carolina. Let the inauguration planning commence.

A preview of Nevada

As most of my readership already knows, I have a remarkable historic track record of accurately projecting primary and caucus results. When the talking heads are talking, I'm sitting back watching the proceedings aghast, hoping none of it is true, but knowing that it really is because I indeed foretold it.

In fact, I have been dubbed the "Joe Lunardi of Presidential Primary Madness." In the spirit of that dubbing, I have created "game trackers" for this weekend's South Carolina primary and Nevada caucus. You'll see in them shifts in momentum, underdogs giving favorites a run for their money, and you'll know exactly when Hillary hits those back-to-back three pointers to put the proverbial nail in the South Carolina coffin. But, we'll start with Nevada.

1. Nevada Caucus - Elephants
Early Vegas betting lines have Rudy and Mitt neck and neck in the race. Early Vegas betting lines don't play the games though, and as you'll see, Rudy quickly is exposed for the fraud 4 seed that he is. Underdog Ken Huckabee actually plays him closely for much of the day, before breaking away to steal third place by two percentage points. More fascinating is the race between Mitt and Johnny. Mitt, with his enormous size advantage, jumps out to an early lead on the strength of his post play. As the day wears on, however, political elite underdog favorite Johnny starts to assert himself, and makes one final push to steal the day with 27% of the vote. Caucus members look cross-eyed at each other, trying to figure out what exactly happened, but they begrudgingly cross Mitt's name off their brackets and replace him with Johnny.

Nevada Caucus - Donkeys:

Pundits have spent all week predicting a dominating performance by Hillary in the Nevada Caucuses. As stated by one pundit, "Hillary has the size advantage down low, the experience factor on her side, and a quick first step that leaves opponents shaking their heads. However, if she happens to lose, don't be surprised to see her over on the sideline with her jersey pulled over her head, hurting for our loss, of course." I suppose Barack is the dark-horse here, or dark-donkey as it were. Is that politically incorrect? Probably. Can I retract that last statement? Barack is the underdog in Nevada, while Dennis is playing in the play-in game to decide who gets crushed by North Carolina on Thursday night ... ahem, I mean, John E., of course. Well, this day does not go according to the script. Barack jumps out to an early, solid lead. Hillary struggles to keep it close, throwing up desperation mascara run after desperation mascara run. At 5:00 in the afternoon, ABC News briefly calls the race for Barack, and reports that Hillary will shortly make a concession speech in which she drops out of the race. Surprisingly, this information is quickly discredited - yet, Obama retains his lead and wins by a comfortable 12 point margin, having put the scrubs in to finish the job.

If you think the action was heated in the Nevada Pod, wait until you see what happens in South Carolina!!