Prominent Republicans endorse Prominent Republican

Despite heartache amongs the pro-Clinton, pro-Obama conservative talking head crowd, including hopped-up-on-Oxycontin Rush Limbaugh and hopped-up-on-testosterone Ann Coulter and hopped-up-on-a-bully-pulpit Jim Dobson, several prominent conservative Republicans have recently announced their endorsement of pending Republican Presidential nominee John McCain.

Mitt Romney's famed anti-surrender-to-terror position is well-documented, but he further reinforced his commitment to a McCain Presidency (and the underlying Romney Vice Presidency) by stating his opposition to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Said Romney, "I like Mike Huckabee as a person. He has some interesting viewpoints, and we certainly have idealogical similarities. But, I cannot endorse his position of surrendering to terror by laying down our weapons and approaching the evil Muslims with bibles and love instead. He has this warped view of Jesus as a turn-the-other-cheek pansy, but I know that Jesus was really an ain't-nobody's-bitch-motha who annihilated civilizations that dared to challenge him. Like Jesus and Johnny, I'm all for mowing down anybody who reacts angrily to our mis-placed hostile occupation and nation building effort in Iraq, even though it will take 100 years. We're coming after you first, you French custard-filled pastries!"

Former President George H. W. Bush (the Elder) has similarly endorsed Johnny, but for perhaps different reasons. During a candid interview from the Kennebunkeport Harbor office, George the Elder summarized his endorsement as follows: "Honestly, I'm a long-time conservative Republican, going back well before my days in the public eye as Reagan's strong arm, and even before my years of undermining American principles by working intelligence deals in the Middle East that would make your toe-hair curl. As such, I clearly can't support anti-American candidates such as Hillary Clinton and that crazy muslim Barack Obama. Trust me, I only endorse crazy muslims that can make me ridiculously wealthy, and Obama does not fit that bill. Moreover, it's time for change. While you people have been dealing with this incompetent buffoon for seven years now, I've had to apologize for him his entire life. He has some deep-seeded need for my approval, and that bothers me. McCain is just what we need - a straight shooter, someone who can think for himself, someone who doesn't need my approval, and someone who is not our current president."

Limbaugh and Coulter simultaneously read on-air statements directly from the talking points memo, stating that "The endorsements of Bush and Romney do not reflect the beliefs of true conservatives. True conservatives are people who are in one-hundred percent lock-step agreement with the entirety of beliefs expressed by the true conservative arm of the Republican party, as expressed in our books, radio shows, and unfortunate television appearances. Although, if you think we're ugly, watch that James Carville sometime. Dear God. Trust me, my unparalleled crack research team backs this up by diligently and exhaustively comparing notes with (Ann/Rush)'s people. Don't be swept up by Johnny fever, as we need to continue threatening to vote for Hillary as long as there's a small bit of hope for a Huckabee nomination. When that hope is doused, we'll be certain to jump off the Hillary bandwagon, in favor of spreading stories about the legendary back stage orgies that Obama and the Clintons host after each debate, and of course Hillary's traitorous actions while piloting wiki boats in Vietnam as corroborated by numerous highly-paid wiki boat vets."

"Donkeys are really nice"

Five year-old reading "colors" book to one year-old.

Five year-old turns to "brown" page.

Five year-old points to brown donkey, states matter-of-factly, "Brown Donkey. Donkeys are really nice!"

True story.

Brilliant five year-old.

Me <-- Really proud Pa.

Perissodactylae

I recently realized that I am very uninformed when it comes to the donkey's family. It's not that I've completely ignored opportunities for zooligical learning in my lifetime, it's simply that I haven't paid much attention when those opportunities were placed in front of me. So I googled the donkey on Wikipedia. In learning myself on the donkey's family, I realized that my readership would likely also like to be learned on the subject. Now, I proceed.

The donkey is a member of the order Perissodactyla, more commonly referred to as odd-toed ungulates. I'm sure that your reaction is as mine was, that the collective number of toes on the animal must equate to an odd number. That, or my alternate theory, that their toes are simply odd-shapen. But, you're wrong. In fact, they're referred to as odd-toed because they have an odd number of toes on each individual hoof. For instance, 1. Perhaps, 5. More commonly, 3. Assuming your neighborhood perissodactyl has four legs, as is apparently common among land mammals, you can perform the simple math and come to the conclusion that he or she has an even number of toes, likely 12 (donkeys have 4). And, like me, you're thinking that they should really be called even-toed ungulates, because who cares about each individual hoof - I'm concerned with the whole of the being. But, apparently there are other ungulates that are referred to as even-toed ungulates, which means that ungulates like ours cannot be called even-toed ungulates, and that they must inaccurately be labeled as odd-toed ungulates. Don't get me started on labels. Are you following me?

Perhaps the more interesting identifying characteristic of perissodactylae is in their tummies. Instead of digesting plant cellulose in their stomachs, they digest plant cellulose in their intestines. In other words, they are hindgut fermenters. Other ungulates, like cows and hippos, are foregut fermenters. I don't know what all of this means, but I think it has something to do with how they make doo doo.

There's a bunch of other stuff on the Wikipedia page about their development, their habitats, their dead ancestors, their social structures, their dominant characteristics, but I suspect that if I wrote it your mind would be wandering by the end. Instead, I'll simply list them, and include some cool pictures.

The following perissodactylae are from the suborder Hippomorpha. I know what you're thinking - "pictures of hippos!" But, get this: the suborder Hippomorpha does not include hippopotamuses. "How did it get its name," you ask? No clue.

Perissodactyla hippomorpha:

- Przewalski's Horse

- Domestic, or Wild, Horse

- Donkey, or African Ass

- Onager, or Asiatic Ass (not to be confused with the post-classical Roman siege engine, though the latter is the namesake of the former)

- Kiang, or Tibetan Wild Ass

- Plains Zebra

- Cape Mountain Zebra

- Hartmann's Mountain Zebra

- Grevy's Zebra

Have you heard the rumor that Mr. Ed was actually played by a zebra, but that the color distinction wasn't apparent to the end viewer because the show was filmed in panchromatic tones? It's not true, I just wondered if you've heard it.

Onager, resting on dirt

The rest of the perissodactylae are from the suborder Ceratomorpha, and either the family Tapiridae or Rhinocerotidae. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Perissodactyla ceratomorpha:

- Brazilian Tapir

- Mountain Tapir

- Baird's Tapir

- Malayan Tapir

- Black Rhinoceros

- White Rhinoceros

- Indian Rhinoceros

- Javan Rhinoceros

- Sumatran Rhinoceros

Javan Rhinoceros, chewing

A few important words about perissodactylae doo doo:

As I mentioned earlier, the perissodactylae are distinguishable from other ungulates by their hindgut fermenters. Once their food has been digested, it "is stored in a pouch-like extension of the small intestines called the caecum." Did you know that you likely have a caecum? Yes sir, yes sir, the human caecum is adjacent to the appendix. Of course, the appendix is the organ that has the important function of funding your surgeon's kid's apartment rent payments while they're studying at Brown. But, I digest. The caecum in herbivores, such as our friends the perissodactylae, are rather large, and host a number of bacteria. These "bacteria aid in the enzymatic breakdown of plant materials," such as stems and petals and bark. Later on, doo doo appears.

All information and quotes attributable directly to Wikipedia, then to a variety of other sources which may or may not be identified on said Wikipedia pages.

Things I've learned at the zoo

As I mentioned in a previous dictation, the local zoo here has a family of African elephants. As it happens, one must pass by the giraffe licking exhibit, the meerkats, and maybe a few other animals that nobody remembers, before making it back to where the elephants reside. By this point, I'm usually so worn out from retrieving the three-year-old that I just meld into the hippopotamus benches, while everyone else watches the elephants being elephants.

All this is to say that the local African elephants are actually African Bush Elephants (Loxodonta africana). The more I think about it, the more grateful I am that our zoo opted to acquire these elephants - because of their street cred.

I think most people are familiar with Asian elephants (Elephas maximus), also known as "Indian elephants," or "not African elephants." You simply take one look at them - the rounded backs, the smallish facial features (you call those ears?), the oddly abundant toes, the inability to sustain eye contact, the freakish single trunk-finger, the weird gray skin color, the inability to both drive a car and focus on driving a car simulaneously, the males' much smaller trunks, the girls that usually don't even have tusks. To say the least, Asian elephants are inferior in every way to their African cousins.

What most don't know, even many in the industry, is that the African Forest Elephant (Loxodonta cyclotis) is a fraud, too. The slang term is "halfsie". Let me learn you on this topic, so you'll know what I know, because I know all about it.

You see, one day a very large bull African Bush Elephant (3.85m tall at the shoulder) caught a flight to some south Asian island. He was chillin' on the beach, hanging with some of his righteous cattle peeps, when a little cow Asian elephant sauntered by on her moped. She certainly caught Big Al's eye, with her little boom boom, tusklessness, and big, blue eyes. He was so intrigued by her that he trumpeted the climax of the 1812 Overture in her direction while he stomped his big elephant feet and crashed his big African elephant ear cymbals in time. This is the ultimate elephant pick-up line. Long story short, they got married, hooked up, had a little boy, got divorced, and Big Al moved back in with his parents.

Big Al celebrates his score

So the little boy, we'll call him "Ele-Bama", lives his whole life feeling very much like an African elephant. Compared to all of his contemparies, his ears are bigger, his trunk is two-fingered, even his trumpeting has a little more rhythm and a deeper, more bellowing sound to it. This serves him well as he travels around the world growing up, learning about different cultures and religions, meeting a diverse company of animals, attending the best schools, and becoming a prominent elephant attorney. Before long, he finds his way into regional and ultimately national elephant contests, and is even thrust into the race to see who is going to be the elephant of elephants (Asian category).

Then one day, an elephant pundit from Mumbai makes a startling observation. "Ele-Bama," he says, "is not a real African elephant. He has no legitimate African elephant credibility." And, the pundit was spot-on in his criticism. Compared to African Bush Elephants, Ele-Bama had a weird, gray skin tone. He had rounder, slightly smaller ears. He had those weird extra toes. He had straight, pink-tinged, downward-angled tusks. He was even smaller than a typical African Bush Elephant. And, perhaps most importantly, his family never experienced the radical treatment that has beset African elephants historically in all of Asia, particularly south Asia.

An introspective Ele-Bama reflects during a campaign stop

So now, not only did Ele-Bama have to deal with the inherant racial bias that all African and partially African elephants face in portions of south Asia, but he also had to deal with claims that he was not a "legitimate" African elephant. And, frankly, he wasn't.

Now you know the origins of the African Forest Elephant: thought by many to be a real African elephant, but really just the bastard offspring of a horny African Bush Elephant and his temporary Asian lover.

Pictures of Elephants

I realized several years ago when taking my children (yes, I've spawned) to the local zoo, that said local zoo is home to a family of African elephants. African elephants, as you probably already know, are distinguished from Indian elephants by their historic tendency to be born in Africa. They also have great memories, which enable them to remember how to text message teenage boys despite their advanced age and lack of opposable thumbs or any connection to modern American society.

Moreover, I find it remarkable that when you pick random animals and Google Image search for them on the Google, there are inevitably pictures of these animals mating with each other on the first row. I wonder aloud if there is a Google mind-control sex agenda. I almost Google Image searched "Elephants and Donkeys", but given the Google mind-control sex agenda I shudder to think what would come up. Besides, my aforementioned unfortunate children are the offspring of elephant and donkey happenings, so I live the nightmare every day. (Just kidding honey. Remember, it's Google talking.)

Elephant walking:


Elephants searching for sports utility vehicle in large, dusty parking lot:


Google Image: Elephants (medium-sized)