Despite heartache amongs the pro-Clinton, pro-Obama conservative talking head crowd, including hopped-up-on-Oxycontin Rush Limbaugh and hopped-up-on-testosterone Ann Coulter and hopped-up-on-a-bully-pulpit Jim Dobson, several prominent conservative Republicans have recently announced their endorsement of pending Republican Presidential nominee John McCain.
Mitt Romney's famed anti-surrender-to-terror position is well-documented, but he further reinforced his commitment to a McCain Presidency (and the underlying Romney Vice Presidency) by stating his opposition to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Said Romney, "I like Mike Huckabee as a person. He has some interesting viewpoints, and we certainly have idealogical similarities. But, I cannot endorse his position of surrendering to terror by laying down our weapons and approaching the evil Muslims with bibles and love instead. He has this warped view of Jesus as a turn-the-other-cheek pansy, but I know that Jesus was really an ain't-nobody's-bitch-motha who annihilated civilizations that dared to challenge him. Like Jesus and Johnny, I'm all for mowing down anybody who reacts angrily to our mis-placed hostile occupation and nation building effort in Iraq, even though it will take 100 years. We're coming after you first, you French custard-filled pastries!"
Former President George H. W. Bush (the Elder) has similarly endorsed Johnny, but for perhaps different reasons. During a candid interview from the Kennebunkeport Harbor office, George the Elder summarized his endorsement as follows: "Honestly, I'm a long-time conservative Republican, going back well before my days in the public eye as Reagan's strong arm, and even before my years of undermining American principles by working intelligence deals in the Middle East that would make your toe-hair curl. As such, I clearly can't support anti-American candidates such as Hillary Clinton and that crazy muslim Barack Obama. Trust me, I only endorse crazy muslims that can make me ridiculously wealthy, and Obama does not fit that bill. Moreover, it's time for change. While you people have been dealing with this incompetent buffoon for seven years now, I've had to apologize for him his entire life. He has some deep-seeded need for my approval, and that bothers me. McCain is just what we need - a straight shooter, someone who can think for himself, someone who doesn't need my approval, and someone who is not our current president."
Limbaugh and Coulter simultaneously read on-air statements directly from the talking points memo, stating that "The endorsements of Bush and Romney do not reflect the beliefs of true conservatives. True conservatives are people who are in one-hundred percent lock-step agreement with the entirety of beliefs expressed by the true conservative arm of the Republican party, as expressed in our books, radio shows, and unfortunate television appearances. Although, if you think we're ugly, watch that James Carville sometime. Dear God. Trust me, my unparalleled crack research team backs this up by diligently and exhaustively comparing notes with (Ann/Rush)'s people. Don't be swept up by Johnny fever, as we need to continue threatening to vote for Hillary as long as there's a small bit of hope for a Huckabee nomination. When that hope is doused, we'll be certain to jump off the Hillary bandwagon, in favor of spreading stories about the legendary back stage orgies that Obama and the Clintons host after each debate, and of course Hillary's traitorous actions while piloting wiki boats in Vietnam as corroborated by numerous highly-paid wiki boat vets."
Mitt Romney's famed anti-surrender-to-terror position is well-documented, but he further reinforced his commitment to a McCain Presidency (and the underlying Romney Vice Presidency) by stating his opposition to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Said Romney, "I like Mike Huckabee as a person. He has some interesting viewpoints, and we certainly have idealogical similarities. But, I cannot endorse his position of surrendering to terror by laying down our weapons and approaching the evil Muslims with bibles and love instead. He has this warped view of Jesus as a turn-the-other-cheek pansy, but I know that Jesus was really an ain't-nobody's-bitch-motha who annihilated civilizations that dared to challenge him. Like Jesus and Johnny, I'm all for mowing down anybody who reacts angrily to our mis-placed hostile occupation and nation building effort in Iraq, even though it will take 100 years. We're coming after you first, you French custard-filled pastries!"
Former President George H. W. Bush (the Elder) has similarly endorsed Johnny, but for perhaps different reasons. During a candid interview from the Kennebunkeport Harbor office, George the Elder summarized his endorsement as follows: "Honestly, I'm a long-time conservative Republican, going back well before my days in the public eye as Reagan's strong arm, and even before my years of undermining American principles by working intelligence deals in the Middle East that would make your toe-hair curl. As such, I clearly can't support anti-American candidates such as Hillary Clinton and that crazy muslim Barack Obama. Trust me, I only endorse crazy muslims that can make me ridiculously wealthy, and Obama does not fit that bill. Moreover, it's time for change. While you people have been dealing with this incompetent buffoon for seven years now, I've had to apologize for him his entire life. He has some deep-seeded need for my approval, and that bothers me. McCain is just what we need - a straight shooter, someone who can think for himself, someone who doesn't need my approval, and someone who is not our current president."Limbaugh and Coulter simultaneously read on-air statements directly from the talking points memo, stating that "The endorsements of Bush and Romney do not reflect the beliefs of true conservatives. True conservatives are people who are in one-hundred percent lock-step agreement with the entirety of beliefs expressed by the true conservative arm of the Republican party, as expressed in our books, radio shows, and unfortunate television appearances. Although, if you think we're ugly, watch that James Carville sometime. Dear God. Trust me, my unparalleled crack research team backs this up by diligently and exhaustively comparing notes with (Ann/Rush)'s people. Don't be swept up by Johnny fever, as we need to continue threatening to vote for Hillary as long as there's a small bit of hope for a Huckabee nomination. When that hope is doused, we'll be certain to jump off the Hillary bandwagon, in favor of spreading stories about the legendary back stage orgies that Obama and the Clintons host after each debate, and of course Hillary's traitorous actions while piloting wiki boats in Vietnam as corroborated by numerous highly-paid wiki boat vets."
