Twenty-four states are holding a mixture of cauci and primaries today, holding the hopes of the remaining presidential candidates in the balance. I do realize that "cauci" is not actually a word, and that "caucuses" is the plural for "caucus" - but, "cauci" should be a word, and should be used more often in the mainstream media. I'm ahead of the curve, as usual.
Alabama Primaries -
A southern Democrat state since the 1860s, Alabama has more recently been wooed by the Republicans. But today, both parties are vying for the hearts and votes of Dixie, toward the ultimate goal of being the guy (or mouthy broad) who gets to follow George.
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Alaska Cauci -
39 of Alaska's 84 registered voters will gather with bait breath today, to hear who they're supposed to vote for at this summer's conventions. Alaska is really pretty irrelevant.
Winners: Hillary & Mitt
Arizona Primaries -
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Arkansas Primaries -
Stuttgart, Arkansas is known as the "Rice Capital of the World." I've been there, and can attest to the fact that it is a rice wonderland. So, we interviewed local rice farmer Jerry Dale Marvin about the upcoming primaries: "Arkansas is an enigma wrapped inside a riddle tucked in the corner of a rice paddy," he expounded. "If you talk to an average Arkansan, they'll tell you they can't stand those pretentious Clintons. Yet, when it comes time to vote, we can't wait to see our favored sons sit on the high thrown in Washington. This year is no different." No different, indeed, Jerry Dale.
Winners: Hillary & Mike
California Primaries -
California has more people than it knows what to do with, and most of them are at the In 'n Out in Barstow right now waiting to order.
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Colorado Cauci -
We're hoping to provide an up close and personal viewpoint from one Colorado Caucus.
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Connecticut Primaries -
No Yalies in this group, laments a saddened Connecticut populace.
Winners: Hillary & Mitt
Delaware Primaries -
This state has just two "e"s in its name.
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Georgia Primaries -
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Idaho Caucus -
Must appeal to the large Morman, potato-farming, and anti-government militia constituencies if you're going to carry the day in Idaho.
Winner: Barack
Illinois Primaries -
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Kansas Donkey Caucus -
Winner: Barack
Massachusetts Primaries -
Massachusetts voters will be out of luck, as the Diebold voting machines will head to the locker room with time remaining on the clock. When asked about possible vote contamination that may have led to Johnny's stunning defeat, they respond with an unenthusiastic "No."
Winners: Hillary & Mitt
Minnesota Cauci -
Winners: Hillary & Johnny
Missouri Primaries -
Winners: Hillary & Johnny
Montana Elephant Caucus -
Winner: Johnny
New Jersey Primaries -
In one of the more underrated primary contests, the large Garden State contingent comes out in full force and delivers the knockout blow for Barack & Johnny. Barack wins over the electorate by promising to rename the local football team from the inaccurate New York Giants to the geographically apt New Jersey Giants. Shameless, shameless politics.
Winners: Barack & Johnny
New Mexico Cauci -
Winner: Barack
New York Primaries -
In one of the more overrated primary contests, the large Manhattan State contingent comes out in full force and delivers the day's biggest victory for Hillary. Hillary wins over the electorate by promising the prevent the renaming of the New Jersey football team from the inaccurate New York Giants to geographically apt New Jersey Giants. More power to ya, Hill.
Winners: Hillary & Johnny
North Dakota Cauci -
Unable to unfreeze the voting machines, officials officially recognize the insignificance of North Dakota and flip a coin.
Winners: Hillary & Mitt
Oklahoma Primaries -
Upon gaining the victory in Oklahoma, Barack demonstrates his inherant rhythm and incredible vocal range by bellowing "Oooooooooo-klabama where the wind comes sweeping down the plain! Where the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the raaaaiiiinnnn!!! Oklabamaaaaaaa O.K!!" O.K. indeed.
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Tennessee Primaries -
Winners: Barack & Johnny
Utah Primaries -
Nary a dry eye in the house, as Mitt concedes victory to Johnny, shortly after winning the Utah Primary. Technically, Mitt won both primaries, but was disqualified when it was learned that he was not officially on the donkeys' ballot, much to the chagrin of all seven Utah Democrats and several Osmonds.
Winners: Barack & Mitt
West Virginia Elephant Primary Part I -
No sitting president has visited West Virginia since 1893.
Winner: Johnny
As you have probably surmised, today's big winners will be Johnny & Barack. Johnny actually nails down the elephant nomination, as Mitt will concede within the next four days. Barack has a strong showing as well, particularly with his surprise victory in California. It's not enough to seal the victory, as Hillary could go from favorite-to-underdog-to-comeback kid. We shall see.
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