Fish announces support of McCain; Biscuit still noncommital

I really question whether or not Ally McBeal humor can fly in 2008, but I was inspired by a picture of John McCain that I saw on CNN.com recently. So, here goes nothing ...

Founding partner Richard Fish of Cage, Fish, and Associates, LLC., recently announced his steadfast support of John McCain in the 2008 Presidental race. Fish said he is comfortable with the more tolerant Republican Party that has emerged in the past decade, and that he is particularly enamored with McCain's "wattle," calling it "the best I've seen since Hepburn in 'On Golden Pond.'"

Fellow founding partner John "Biscuit" Cage was less convicted, and is said to be having a difficult time deciding between Democratic choices Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and Republican rival McCain. Those that know him closely feel certain that when it comes time to step up to the ballot box, he will have no trouble putting his scattered thoughts together and making the right decision.

Attempts to schedule a unisex bathroom interview with the prominent Boston legal "dream team" have to date been unsuccessful.

Wisconsin Democrats 'hopeful'

Despite polls indicating that Wisconsin Democrats were split between preferences for 'blind hope' and 'past glories', primary day in Dairyland proved to be hope-tastic. This is the ninth straight victory for the 'hope' faction, having taken all of the momentum from the 'past glories' team ever since Super Tuesday. The 'hope' campaign said Tuesday night that it "sees a nation that wants hope, needs hope. We are the ones who can deliver that hope. What we have seen in this nation is that hope never dies. Even when Stefano DiMera brainwashes her, takes away her children, separates her from her one true love, or even kills her, Hope always comes back stronger than ever. If a little gaunt-looking."

Bill Clinton, spokesperson for 'done stuff', reacted by claiming that "Hope is so sixteen years ago. In fact, I was born in Hope, Arkansas, as you may already know. Even so, I haven't visited since that PR photo op that we had there during the 92 campaign. I don't imagine the economy is doing too hot. I'm not even sure I would recognize Hope if I saw it. But, I do recognize my wife and her past glories - and let me tell you, she was one attractive, intelligent, amazing woman. There comes a time in any political dynasty where you have to transition from selling hope to condemning hope, in order to get elected. Please join us, as I do not want to go home to that woman if she loses."

Prominent Republicans endorse Prominent Republican

Despite heartache amongs the pro-Clinton, pro-Obama conservative talking head crowd, including hopped-up-on-Oxycontin Rush Limbaugh and hopped-up-on-testosterone Ann Coulter and hopped-up-on-a-bully-pulpit Jim Dobson, several prominent conservative Republicans have recently announced their endorsement of pending Republican Presidential nominee John McCain.

Mitt Romney's famed anti-surrender-to-terror position is well-documented, but he further reinforced his commitment to a McCain Presidency (and the underlying Romney Vice Presidency) by stating his opposition to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Said Romney, "I like Mike Huckabee as a person. He has some interesting viewpoints, and we certainly have idealogical similarities. But, I cannot endorse his position of surrendering to terror by laying down our weapons and approaching the evil Muslims with bibles and love instead. He has this warped view of Jesus as a turn-the-other-cheek pansy, but I know that Jesus was really an ain't-nobody's-bitch-motha who annihilated civilizations that dared to challenge him. Like Jesus and Johnny, I'm all for mowing down anybody who reacts angrily to our mis-placed hostile occupation and nation building effort in Iraq, even though it will take 100 years. We're coming after you first, you French custard-filled pastries!"

Former President George H. W. Bush (the Elder) has similarly endorsed Johnny, but for perhaps different reasons. During a candid interview from the Kennebunkeport Harbor office, George the Elder summarized his endorsement as follows: "Honestly, I'm a long-time conservative Republican, going back well before my days in the public eye as Reagan's strong arm, and even before my years of undermining American principles by working intelligence deals in the Middle East that would make your toe-hair curl. As such, I clearly can't support anti-American candidates such as Hillary Clinton and that crazy muslim Barack Obama. Trust me, I only endorse crazy muslims that can make me ridiculously wealthy, and Obama does not fit that bill. Moreover, it's time for change. While you people have been dealing with this incompetent buffoon for seven years now, I've had to apologize for him his entire life. He has some deep-seeded need for my approval, and that bothers me. McCain is just what we need - a straight shooter, someone who can think for himself, someone who doesn't need my approval, and someone who is not our current president."

Limbaugh and Coulter simultaneously read on-air statements directly from the talking points memo, stating that "The endorsements of Bush and Romney do not reflect the beliefs of true conservatives. True conservatives are people who are in one-hundred percent lock-step agreement with the entirety of beliefs expressed by the true conservative arm of the Republican party, as expressed in our books, radio shows, and unfortunate television appearances. Although, if you think we're ugly, watch that James Carville sometime. Dear God. Trust me, my unparalleled crack research team backs this up by diligently and exhaustively comparing notes with (Ann/Rush)'s people. Don't be swept up by Johnny fever, as we need to continue threatening to vote for Hillary as long as there's a small bit of hope for a Huckabee nomination. When that hope is doused, we'll be certain to jump off the Hillary bandwagon, in favor of spreading stories about the legendary back stage orgies that Obama and the Clintons host after each debate, and of course Hillary's traitorous actions while piloting wiki boats in Vietnam as corroborated by numerous highly-paid wiki boat vets."

Clinton wins New Mexico cauci

The marathon New Mexico cauci have finally ended, all the votes were counted, and nobody was disenfranchised - this according to New Mexico Democratic Party officials, who appeared completely smashed after nine straight days of ballot counting & Jim Beam. Clinton graciously accepted the victory, in appreciation of the confidence shown by the New Mexico voters. Obama was disappointed, but accepted the result.

Meanwhile, no word has come in yet on the results of the Republican caucuses between hopefuls Barry Goldwater, Nelson Rockefeller, and Richard M. Nixon. The Arizona Senator appears to be a popular choice in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, but Vice President Nixon is holding on strong in the more rural areas of the state. Nixon seems like the likely national choice, but has been very secretive about who he might select as a runningmate.

Obama campaign accuses Clinton of using illegal steroids, HGH

The Obama campaign on Wednesday released evidence that presidential hopeful Senator Hillary Clinton may be 'shooting up' - and has asked Congress to look into the matter. It has long been rumored that steroids and human growth hormone (HGH) are rampant on the physical, often exhausting political campaign scene. Candidates have consistently denied any knowledge of drug abuse, with one recent president from Texas even going so far as to say "I have never taken steroids or HGH. No matter what we discuss here today, I am never going to have my name restored." That last point seems to be off topic, but we suspect his fervent denial of illegal drug use is just a result of his misremembering the past.

The Obama campaign's evidence seems to surround a recent interview with Hillary, in which she alluded to using several over-the-counter medications. These medications, which include vitamins, tea, and Purell, have been linked to steroid use, and critics claim that they are used as a smokescreen to cover up what's really going on. Tea, in particular, is used to temper dry mouth, malaise, and extreme aggression, which are among the more common immediate side-effects of HGH use, and are all common among highly-charged, stressful political campaigns where candidates are hopped up on growth hormone.

Further evidence comes from a recent admission by Bill Clinton during an interview with Bill Moyers that he has observed Hillary's "booty getting more and more delish, lately." A prominent side-effect of steroids, of course, is the enlargement of prominent physical features such as the skull, the hands, the feet, and the ass. It's never been a secret that Bill is a "butt man," or that he firmly believes that bigger equals better, brotha. One could easily speculate that Bill's increased excitement on the campaign trail in recent months is attributable to the side-effects of Hillary's near-constant topical steroid use.

When asked if he has ever taken steroids or HGH, Barack replied coyly, "Are you kidding me? Do you even know what the side effects are for that stuff? It would put me on a level playing field with that little white Republican dude, and that ain't happenin'."

A crazed Hillary sits down with Katie Couric, on CBS's The Morning Show:

Torture, yes! Principles, no!

John McCain: He was against waterboarding before he was for it.

"Mac" voted no today on the Intelligence Authorization Bill that requires the intelligence community to abide by the same standards as articulated in the Army Field Manual and bans waterboarding.

Looks like he's going to make a great "conservative" presedential candidate after all!

Clinton takes focus off the issues, places it on unsupported theoretical speculation

Senator Hillary Clinton made two moves over the weekend that screamed of wild-eyed desperation, then proceeded to deny said desperation with that wild look of desperation (see below) in those big, blue eyes.

First, on Saturday, Hillary stopped trying to convince the Democratic Party membership that she was a better candidate than Barack Obama. Instead, she is imploring the votership to select her as their nominee despite the fact that Barack is clearly better suited to lead the country, instead urging them to vote for the more electable candidate: Hillary. In the wake of emasculating defeats in five completely unimportant states, Hillary summarized the stakes as follows: "It is becoming increasingly obvious that you prefer my opponent, and it is now blindingly apparent that he would be the better president, but I implore you not to bring such an abrupt and painful end to my dream. Despite the fact that you love him, believe in him, and want to see him become president, vote for me instead because I am better qualified to defeat John McCain."

Meanwhile, Republicans everywhere are salivating at the possibility of a Hillary-Johnny showdown, and poll after poll comes in showing that Barack would be a much more formidable opponent for Johnny than would Hillary - in fact he would currently be a strong favorite to win the election if faced with Johnny.

On Sunday, Hillary followed her brilliant strategy of taking the focus off the issues and putting it back onto unsupported theoretical speculation by replacing her campaign manager. Her newly former campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle (right), is apparently the source of the "take the focus off the issues and put it back onto unsupported theoretical speculation" strategy. Doyle is expected to return to Wisteria Lane, where she will try to convince brother Carlos to dump his ex-wife Gabrielle immediately. Solis Doyle's replacement, Maggie Williams, is said to believe passionately in the long-retired political tactic entitled "it depends on what your definition of 'is' is."