Updating the primaries & cauci

As you are aware, next Tuesday is what's referred to as "Super Tuesday" in the political world. This is the day when donkeys & elephants gather together at pre-determined locations in 24 states to declare their uncompromising loyalty to someone they've never met, and who makes a living out of lying to the camera. You can imagine, I'm pretty thrilled to follow the action - so thrilled that I may decide to skip work just to watch the action on television.

In the spirit of providing really awesome maps of the proceedings, I've created a fantastic follow-up map to yesterday's prediction map. Today, we look at where we are - which candidates have won each caucus or primary, and how would they look with their giant heads floating above those states. I hope you enjoy!

Handicapping the 2008 election

We periodically enjoy handicapping the election. Now seems like as good a time as ever to get it started, as we're less than a week away from "Super Tuesday!" Below, you'll see a variety of numbers and words, followed by a really cool map. If you really like the maps, please offer me a six-figure salaried job and I'll then tell your lies and truth stretchings with high quality map products.

note: we have narrowed the field down to viable candidates Hillary, Barack, Johnny, and Mitt

Likelihood of each candidate to reach the general election:
Johnny - 80%
Barack - 60%
Hillary - 40%
Mitt - 20%

Likelihood of each candidate to beat each potential general election opponent:
Johnny over Hillary - 75% (25%)
Barack over Johnny - 85% (15%)
Barack over Mitt - 90% (10%)
Hillary vs. Mitt - 50% (50%)

Likelihood that each candidate will be elected in November:
Barack - 51.6%
Johnny - 31.2%
Hillary - 12.0%
Mitt - 5.2%

Proposed betting odds* for each candidate:
Barack - 1:1
Johnny - 3:1
Hillary - 7:1
Mitt - 20:1
* This is not an actual betting opportunity, as we have no money to back it up

The following map and associated Electoral College projections are based on the numbers above, accounting for the various combinations. It simply shows the projected party that each state will align with. I don't consider Nebraska or Maine real states, so their split votes are being ignored.

click for full version

Associated Electoral College votes:
Democratic Candidate - 248 (19 states, one district)
Republican Candidate - 216 (24 states)
Too close to project - 74 (7 states)
Electoral College votes needed to win - 270

Projected "swing" states:
Colorado, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New Mexico, Ohio

The Sun City King of the Florida Republican Primary

Last Thursday, Senator John McCain and wife, Cindy, hopped on board their brand spankin' new custom RV, and drove from their winter home in Sun City West, Arizona across Interstate 10 to Florida, where they set up camp with good friends Pam and Pat Prescott, in Sun City Center, Florida. Along the way, Johnny ate seven meals at Cracker Barrel, obliviously ran twelve Honda Civics off the road (including two hybrids in a ten minute span near San Antonio), and used the on board facilities three-hundred and seventy-two times (over one hundred in Texas alone).

The long journey was worth it, as he watched the results come in during a late 5:00 dinner at the local Bob Evans, with dozens of his supporters. He picked up a key endorsement along the way, as former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani plans to drop out of the presidential race and to then endorse Johnny. Coincidentally, Rudy was at his new home over at the corner of Del Webb Blvd and Del Webb Ave during the festivities, and is reported to be positioning himself for the Vice Presidential nomination. He could not be reached for comment as he was busy having his lawyer draft divorce papers.

In related news, Senator Hillary Clinton ran away with the castrated Florida Democratic Primary, earning an astounding zero delegates for this summer's Democratic National Convention. Upon seeing television coverage of Hillary's victory, local 9-hole par three course record-holder Jean Walton turned to her husband and said, "Isn't that Fred Steinberg's new girlfriend? I think her name is Marjorie. I can't believe he's dating someone so much younger than him. Patsy told me that she heard from Jerri that Marjorie knows her way around a buffet, if you know what I mean." Milton Walton then stuttered half under his breath, "for pete's sake woman, do you ever stop talking? That's not Marjorie. That's Hillary Clinton. The former president's wife. For Fred's sake I wish it was, because Marjorie is a horse." "What, honey? Did you say something?," retorted Jean quizzically.

During his victory speech, Johnny stated boisterously, "Tonight, my friends, we celebrate. Tomorrow, it's back to lawn bowling and involuntary mid-conversational naps."

2008 State of the Union Address: democrapublican response

This is the twelfth consecutive year, and twenty-seventh overall, that I will share my reactions to the State of the Union Address. It has been long rumored that the late Peter Jennings would wait to read the democrapublican response before going on camera to offer any observations. You'll soon understand his reliance.

- This year, the TelePrompTer was operated by White House AV Club Vice President, Jeffrey Singleton, formerly the President of the AV Club at Mallard Creek High School in Charlotte, North Carolina. Go Mavericks! Way to represent, Jeffrey!

- President Bush wants the United States to reduce its dependence on oil. In an effort to expedite the process, George has flown Air Force One (yes, he's a pilot) to Riyadh sixteen times to meet personally with Sultan bin Abdul Aziz, the Saudi Crown Prince, attempting to determine whether or not there are any abundant Middle Eastern resources that may be used as alternative fuel sources. The leading possibilities right now are: palm oil, gold, silver, myrrh, and harnessing the latent heat of sand. In a rare improvisational moment, George shared the details of an exchange between the two leaders: "So, I said, 'Princy,' I call him Princy. I said, 'Princy, you seen the cost of a barrel of oil lately? Pretty outrageous?' 'Yes, George,' Princy said, 'I knew it must be so when my driver pulled up in a Rolls to drive me from my yacht's fifth level sun deck to dinner at the Four Seasons located next to the Virgin Room behind the bridge. Apparently, they replaced the entire yacht automobile fleet!' I just about died laughing, 'cause I remember those cramped Mercedes sedans they used to shuttle us in."

- Reaffirmed commitment to work towards reversing the growth of greenhouse gasses. Prediction: next year's Academy Award winning film-inspired action will be to remove all coinage from circulation, in order to limit the spread of Javier Bardem, friend-o.

- About Iraq, Bush laid the groundwork for a potential early fall 2008 invasion of Baghdad. The idea harkens back to the glory days of 2003 when the vast liberal media conspiracy vastly and liberally mediated their conspiratorial news stories by parroting the administration's foreign policy verbatim, in fact directly from the talking points distributed at the 1600 P.A. lemonade stand by Scooter Libby.

- Promised to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by December 2008. He then started to re-tell his Sultan bin Abdul Aziz story, before Jeffrey got his attention and focused him back on the TelePrompTer.

If I seem sardonic in this post, it's just because my stomach is upset. Actually, I missed most of the speech as a result. By "most," I mean "all." But, I do sincerely apologize if I come across as skeptical.

In summary, I found the speech to be inspiring, the President to be more handsome than ever, and could not be more thrilled to see 2008 play out in America. I didn't even mind having to wait longer than usual for the American Idol auditions. Had I watched the speech, I feel certain that I would be even more thrilled.

"Donkeys are really nice"

Five year-old reading "colors" book to one year-old.

Five year-old turns to "brown" page.

Five year-old points to brown donkey, states matter-of-factly, "Brown Donkey. Donkeys are really nice!"

True story.

Brilliant five year-old.

Me <-- Really proud Pa.

Perissodactylae

I recently realized that I am very uninformed when it comes to the donkey's family. It's not that I've completely ignored opportunities for zooligical learning in my lifetime, it's simply that I haven't paid much attention when those opportunities were placed in front of me. So I googled the donkey on Wikipedia. In learning myself on the donkey's family, I realized that my readership would likely also like to be learned on the subject. Now, I proceed.

The donkey is a member of the order Perissodactyla, more commonly referred to as odd-toed ungulates. I'm sure that your reaction is as mine was, that the collective number of toes on the animal must equate to an odd number. That, or my alternate theory, that their toes are simply odd-shapen. But, you're wrong. In fact, they're referred to as odd-toed because they have an odd number of toes on each individual hoof. For instance, 1. Perhaps, 5. More commonly, 3. Assuming your neighborhood perissodactyl has four legs, as is apparently common among land mammals, you can perform the simple math and come to the conclusion that he or she has an even number of toes, likely 12 (donkeys have 4). And, like me, you're thinking that they should really be called even-toed ungulates, because who cares about each individual hoof - I'm concerned with the whole of the being. But, apparently there are other ungulates that are referred to as even-toed ungulates, which means that ungulates like ours cannot be called even-toed ungulates, and that they must inaccurately be labeled as odd-toed ungulates. Don't get me started on labels. Are you following me?

Perhaps the more interesting identifying characteristic of perissodactylae is in their tummies. Instead of digesting plant cellulose in their stomachs, they digest plant cellulose in their intestines. In other words, they are hindgut fermenters. Other ungulates, like cows and hippos, are foregut fermenters. I don't know what all of this means, but I think it has something to do with how they make doo doo.

There's a bunch of other stuff on the Wikipedia page about their development, their habitats, their dead ancestors, their social structures, their dominant characteristics, but I suspect that if I wrote it your mind would be wandering by the end. Instead, I'll simply list them, and include some cool pictures.

The following perissodactylae are from the suborder Hippomorpha. I know what you're thinking - "pictures of hippos!" But, get this: the suborder Hippomorpha does not include hippopotamuses. "How did it get its name," you ask? No clue.

Perissodactyla hippomorpha:

- Przewalski's Horse

- Domestic, or Wild, Horse

- Donkey, or African Ass

- Onager, or Asiatic Ass (not to be confused with the post-classical Roman siege engine, though the latter is the namesake of the former)

- Kiang, or Tibetan Wild Ass

- Plains Zebra

- Cape Mountain Zebra

- Hartmann's Mountain Zebra

- Grevy's Zebra

Have you heard the rumor that Mr. Ed was actually played by a zebra, but that the color distinction wasn't apparent to the end viewer because the show was filmed in panchromatic tones? It's not true, I just wondered if you've heard it.

Onager, resting on dirt

The rest of the perissodactylae are from the suborder Ceratomorpha, and either the family Tapiridae or Rhinocerotidae. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Perissodactyla ceratomorpha:

- Brazilian Tapir

- Mountain Tapir

- Baird's Tapir

- Malayan Tapir

- Black Rhinoceros

- White Rhinoceros

- Indian Rhinoceros

- Javan Rhinoceros

- Sumatran Rhinoceros

Javan Rhinoceros, chewing

A few important words about perissodactylae doo doo:

As I mentioned earlier, the perissodactylae are distinguishable from other ungulates by their hindgut fermenters. Once their food has been digested, it "is stored in a pouch-like extension of the small intestines called the caecum." Did you know that you likely have a caecum? Yes sir, yes sir, the human caecum is adjacent to the appendix. Of course, the appendix is the organ that has the important function of funding your surgeon's kid's apartment rent payments while they're studying at Brown. But, I digest. The caecum in herbivores, such as our friends the perissodactylae, are rather large, and host a number of bacteria. These "bacteria aid in the enzymatic breakdown of plant materials," such as stems and petals and bark. Later on, doo doo appears.

All information and quotes attributable directly to Wikipedia, then to a variety of other sources which may or may not be identified on said Wikipedia pages.

Bill Clinton, mouthy broad

When it comes to former Presidents of the United States of America, Bill is clearly the youngest one living. At the relatively young age of 61, Bill is more than 22 years younger than his immediate predecessor, George the Elder.

That's all well and good, but does that in itself qualify him to place himself in the middle of the 2008 election cycle? I think so. In fact, when you combine that with his new post-heart surgery gaunt look, and his beautifully formed coif of white hair, I can think of no other person that I would want to see whoring himself for camera time in the name of his presidential bid. By that I mean his wife Hillary's presidential bid, of course.

While I always enjoy seeing Bill in front of the microphones slamming his (Hillary's) political opponents, I particularly enjoy seeing Bill in front of the microphones slamming Barack. It seems that every time he opens his mouth on camera, he's either telling reporters how terrible Barack is, or telling them that instead of conducting this interview, they should be covering how terrible Barack is. Sometimes, he goes to college campuses and tells students (on camera) that they should demand that the media tell them more about how terrible Barack is. In fact, I was watching an old Saturday Night Live episode from the early 90s, and there was Phil Hartman as Bill in a debate with Dana Carvey as Church Lady, and Bill was telling Church Lady that if he were elected, he would demand changes in media practices to include telling the American people how terrible Barack is. As Bill apparently sees it, there is nothing more pressing for the media to focus on than Barack, and his terrible ... terribilit ... terriblenes ... and how terrible he is.

This brings us to yesterday. Bill was busy campaigning on the coast of South Carolina, when a reporter asked him a question that had nothing to do with how terrible Barack is. As anyone would, Bill took offense to the question, and answered with the following tirade:

"They're feeding you this because this is what you want to cover; this is what you live for, but this hurts the people of South Carolina. What you care about is this and the Obama people know that, so they spin you up on this and you happily go along. The people don't care about this. They never ask about it. And you are determined to take this election away from them. One more story. Shame on you. Shame on you."

- Bill, January 23, 2008

As Anderson Cooper Vanderbilt succinctly stated last night, "... the Obama campaign is the only one playing the spin game ..." (paraphrasing). And, he's right, the Barack campaign is the only one playing the spin game. While the media continues to take its cues from Barack, nobody is being told how terrible Barack is.

I look forward to a day when the media returns its focus to what is really important: how terrible Bill thinks Barack is.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm taking this opportunity to break from my normal blogonality, and to write a few inadequate words on the man who epitomizes this great country for me. It's no stretch to say that of all the men and women who have lived and died for this nation, Martin Luther King, Jr. is the one who stands out as my hero.

Slavery had been abolished a century before, yet this country remained mired in what seems to me an unthinkable practice of racial discrimination and segregation. During his formative years, King lived in that unthinkable world as he grew up in urban Atlanta, Georgia. It's difficult to imagine that he was only 24 when he first became the pastor at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery. An incredible legacy of peaceful protests in the face of violent opposition followed, as King and his peers successfully led the overturning of racial segregation in public transportation as inspired by Rosa Parks, the overturning of Jim Crow laws beginning with the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957 and culminating in the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts of 1965, the incredible March on Washington that climaxed with his "I Have a Dream" speech, the horror of what became Bloody Sunday and the subsequent, successful Selma to Montgomery March.

It seems inevitable, if no less horrific, that King met such a violent end. "Ben, make sure you play Take My Hand, Precious Lord in the meeting tonight. Play it real pretty." Not a perfect man, not to be worshipped, but still an incredible American, Christian, and human being.

I know you are asking today, "How long will it take?" Somebody's asking, "How long will prejudice blind the visions of men, darken their understanding, and drive bright-eyed wisdom from her sacred throne?" Somebody's asking, "When will wounded justice, lying prostrate on the streets of Selma and Birmingham and communities all over the South, be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men?" Somebody's asking, "When will the radiant star of hope be plunged against the nocturnal bosom of this lonely night, plucked from weary souls with chains of fear and the manacles of death? How long will justice be crucified, and truth bear it?" I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because "truth crushed to earth will rise again." How long? Not long, because "no lie can live forever." How long? Not long, because "you shall reap what you sow."

Martin Luther King, Jr. March 25, 1965

A preview of South Carolina

I don't mean to suggest that the Nevada Caucus is unimportant, but the South Carolina Primary is important, which I can't say about the Nevada Caucus. So important, I declare, that the winners are highly likely to face off in November. I don't like to waste your time, so here goes.

1. South Carolina Primary - Elephants
I'm clueless. I can't read the people of South Carolina, which is kinda ironic. But, what I know is this: Ken Huckabee is a lock to lead the South Carolina Primary until the 11th hour. At the 11th hour, as Rudy and Mitt enjoy a burlesque show together in Vegas, Huckabee will watch in a helpless stupor as the Diebolds take a huge swing westward. Johnny snatches victory from the jaws of irrelevance, and leaves South Carolina with an enormous weekend sweep of the South Carolina Primary and the New Mexico Caucuses.



2. South Carolina Primary - Donkeys
Much more interesting than the baby elephant walk the Saturday before, Columbia will be enthralled by the goings on in the donkey primary. Will the South Carolina people support a mouthy broad? What about a sorta black dude? Or, a short, politically irrelevant guy? Or, will they stick with my first instinct and go with John E. from the cooler Carolina? As the day unfolds, it is clear that this one is going down to the wire. The second weekend of the tournament is clearly going to be more interesting than the first. John E. generally holds small leads throughout, while Hillary and Barack duke it out to see if either can challenge him. As the day winds down, it becomes apparent that Edwards is the soup du jour, and that Barack will leave with a solid #2 finish. Until Hillary pulls up from the top of the key and her shot nestles into the net. On the subsequent possession, Barack trips over Dennis while trying to pass the ball up court to John E., and Hillary takes it away - along with the lead, as her three pointer from the elbow bounces off the rim, the backboard, and the rim again before falling through. She ices the game from the free throw line, and ends up with a strong 13 point victory in South Carolina. Let the inauguration planning commence.

A preview of Nevada

As most of my readership already knows, I have a remarkable historic track record of accurately projecting primary and caucus results. When the talking heads are talking, I'm sitting back watching the proceedings aghast, hoping none of it is true, but knowing that it really is because I indeed foretold it.

In fact, I have been dubbed the "Joe Lunardi of Presidential Primary Madness." In the spirit of that dubbing, I have created "game trackers" for this weekend's South Carolina primary and Nevada caucus. You'll see in them shifts in momentum, underdogs giving favorites a run for their money, and you'll know exactly when Hillary hits those back-to-back three pointers to put the proverbial nail in the South Carolina coffin. But, we'll start with Nevada.

1. Nevada Caucus - Elephants
Early Vegas betting lines have Rudy and Mitt neck and neck in the race. Early Vegas betting lines don't play the games though, and as you'll see, Rudy quickly is exposed for the fraud 4 seed that he is. Underdog Ken Huckabee actually plays him closely for much of the day, before breaking away to steal third place by two percentage points. More fascinating is the race between Mitt and Johnny. Mitt, with his enormous size advantage, jumps out to an early lead on the strength of his post play. As the day wears on, however, political elite underdog favorite Johnny starts to assert himself, and makes one final push to steal the day with 27% of the vote. Caucus members look cross-eyed at each other, trying to figure out what exactly happened, but they begrudgingly cross Mitt's name off their brackets and replace him with Johnny.

Nevada Caucus - Donkeys:

Pundits have spent all week predicting a dominating performance by Hillary in the Nevada Caucuses. As stated by one pundit, "Hillary has the size advantage down low, the experience factor on her side, and a quick first step that leaves opponents shaking their heads. However, if she happens to lose, don't be surprised to see her over on the sideline with her jersey pulled over her head, hurting for our loss, of course." I suppose Barack is the dark-horse here, or dark-donkey as it were. Is that politically incorrect? Probably. Can I retract that last statement? Barack is the underdog in Nevada, while Dennis is playing in the play-in game to decide who gets crushed by North Carolina on Thursday night ... ahem, I mean, John E., of course. Well, this day does not go according to the script. Barack jumps out to an early, solid lead. Hillary struggles to keep it close, throwing up desperation mascara run after desperation mascara run. At 5:00 in the afternoon, ABC News briefly calls the race for Barack, and reports that Hillary will shortly make a concession speech in which she drops out of the race. Surprisingly, this information is quickly discredited - yet, Obama retains his lead and wins by a comfortable 12 point margin, having put the scrubs in to finish the job.

If you think the action was heated in the Nevada Pod, wait until you see what happens in South Carolina!!

Coming later today: a preview of South Carolina & Nevada

I won't offer any opinions, per say, rather I'll just tell you how it's going to go down and who's going to come out on top. Stay on the edge of your seat, because you do not want to miss this.

Vague but patently false

I want to clarify up front that I am not speaking badly of The Bob and Tom Show. There is not one part of me that wants to get on the wrong side of the vast liberal media conspiracy that they represent. Frankly, I don't even listen to The Bob and Tom Show, because I get too worked up and angry when I listen to political talk radio. So, I'm most definitely not criticizing, Bob, Tom, or the vast liberal media conspiracy.

Now, to the topic: Tim Bedore

If you haven't heard of this nefarious mouthpiece of hate, you will now. Mr. Bedore hosts a weekly radio program that exists largely to promote the hatred of animals. The show is entitled "Vague but True (sic)." Mr. Bedore doesn't just hate certain species, like Stephen Colbert (bears). We mean, he hates ALL animals. He has worked himself into a frenzy, convinced that there is a (animal) kingdom-wide campaign being mounted to rid the world of human beings. He states that "the animals must be stopped."

As a well-established advocate for the humane treatment of donkeys and elephants, I now announce a formal and pointed counter-campaign to stop Tim Bedore from spreading hatred and lies against donkeys and elephants, and to stop inciting the masses to act in kind.

Here is an example, where Mr. Bedore clearly states in print on his website that a donkey, at Jesus' behest, was intricately involved in early attempts to increase pollutants in our atmosphere, thus presumably leading to the global warming crisis that we face today, thus leading to the anticipated end of all human life by the year 2045. Seriously, Mr. Bedore, you are espousing a theory that a donkey is to blame for billions and billions of (anticipated) deaths? I am sickened. And, to think there are people who fall for this.

Here is the text. Read it for yourself, then you can decide to be as righteously indignant as I always am.

"Jesus saddled up his ass and rode from town to town. His donkey did produce some pollution."

Mr. Bedore, please retract this statement forthwith.

Nevada Caucus

We don't want to be accused of pandering to the South Carolina voter by the less important Nevada voters, so we now unveil the official Nevada Caucus democrapublican graphic. Also notice the slightly modified South Carolina graphic.

You'll immediately be appalled by our unethical treatment of the donkey in the Nevada graphic. At first glance, it appears that the elephant has played a mean and dirty trick on the donkey, and taken advantage of his superior size and trunk strength. Elephants will be elephants, right? The reality, however, is that the donkey just had a few too many tequila shooters while partying at Mon Ami Gabi, and was dared into doing this willingly. When in Paris, right? Speaking of international travel with donkeys, we don't recommend it. Some countries don't have vocal donkey advocates, and you never know what your donkey will end up doing.

Well, not to worry, the big elephant will have his day of misfortune, too, I'm certain.

Premier of the Las Vegas democrapublican graphic:

Updated South Carolina democrapublican graphic:

Things I've learned at the zoo

As I mentioned in a previous dictation, the local zoo here has a family of African elephants. As it happens, one must pass by the giraffe licking exhibit, the meerkats, and maybe a few other animals that nobody remembers, before making it back to where the elephants reside. By this point, I'm usually so worn out from retrieving the three-year-old that I just meld into the hippopotamus benches, while everyone else watches the elephants being elephants.

All this is to say that the local African elephants are actually African Bush Elephants (Loxodonta africana). The more I think about it, the more grateful I am that our zoo opted to acquire these elephants - because of their street cred.

I think most people are familiar with Asian elephants (Elephas maximus), also known as "Indian elephants," or "not African elephants." You simply take one look at them - the rounded backs, the smallish facial features (you call those ears?), the oddly abundant toes, the inability to sustain eye contact, the freakish single trunk-finger, the weird gray skin color, the inability to both drive a car and focus on driving a car simulaneously, the males' much smaller trunks, the girls that usually don't even have tusks. To say the least, Asian elephants are inferior in every way to their African cousins.

What most don't know, even many in the industry, is that the African Forest Elephant (Loxodonta cyclotis) is a fraud, too. The slang term is "halfsie". Let me learn you on this topic, so you'll know what I know, because I know all about it.

You see, one day a very large bull African Bush Elephant (3.85m tall at the shoulder) caught a flight to some south Asian island. He was chillin' on the beach, hanging with some of his righteous cattle peeps, when a little cow Asian elephant sauntered by on her moped. She certainly caught Big Al's eye, with her little boom boom, tusklessness, and big, blue eyes. He was so intrigued by her that he trumpeted the climax of the 1812 Overture in her direction while he stomped his big elephant feet and crashed his big African elephant ear cymbals in time. This is the ultimate elephant pick-up line. Long story short, they got married, hooked up, had a little boy, got divorced, and Big Al moved back in with his parents.

Big Al celebrates his score

So the little boy, we'll call him "Ele-Bama", lives his whole life feeling very much like an African elephant. Compared to all of his contemparies, his ears are bigger, his trunk is two-fingered, even his trumpeting has a little more rhythm and a deeper, more bellowing sound to it. This serves him well as he travels around the world growing up, learning about different cultures and religions, meeting a diverse company of animals, attending the best schools, and becoming a prominent elephant attorney. Before long, he finds his way into regional and ultimately national elephant contests, and is even thrust into the race to see who is going to be the elephant of elephants (Asian category).

Then one day, an elephant pundit from Mumbai makes a startling observation. "Ele-Bama," he says, "is not a real African elephant. He has no legitimate African elephant credibility." And, the pundit was spot-on in his criticism. Compared to African Bush Elephants, Ele-Bama had a weird, gray skin tone. He had rounder, slightly smaller ears. He had those weird extra toes. He had straight, pink-tinged, downward-angled tusks. He was even smaller than a typical African Bush Elephant. And, perhaps most importantly, his family never experienced the radical treatment that has beset African elephants historically in all of Asia, particularly south Asia.

An introspective Ele-Bama reflects during a campaign stop

So now, not only did Ele-Bama have to deal with the inherant racial bias that all African and partially African elephants face in portions of south Asia, but he also had to deal with claims that he was not a "legitimate" African elephant. And, frankly, he wasn't.

Now you know the origins of the African Forest Elephant: thought by many to be a real African elephant, but really just the bastard offspring of a horny African Bush Elephant and his temporary Asian lover.

The Game of Politics

Congress: "We want an August '08 Iraq pull-out"

White House: "Go fish"

State Governor: "We want revisions to 'No Child Left Behind'"

White House: "Go fish"

White House: "We want another 100 billion dollars for the war against terror"

Congress: "Go fish"

Congress: "We want to blame the White House for everything"

Media: "Yeah, we've got a match for that"

White House: "Anyone up for Simon Says?"

Pictures of Elephants

I realized several years ago when taking my children (yes, I've spawned) to the local zoo, that said local zoo is home to a family of African elephants. African elephants, as you probably already know, are distinguished from Indian elephants by their historic tendency to be born in Africa. They also have great memories, which enable them to remember how to text message teenage boys despite their advanced age and lack of opposable thumbs or any connection to modern American society.

Moreover, I find it remarkable that when you pick random animals and Google Image search for them on the Google, there are inevitably pictures of these animals mating with each other on the first row. I wonder aloud if there is a Google mind-control sex agenda. I almost Google Image searched "Elephants and Donkeys", but given the Google mind-control sex agenda I shudder to think what would come up. Besides, my aforementioned unfortunate children are the offspring of elephant and donkey happenings, so I live the nightmare every day. (Just kidding honey. Remember, it's Google talking.)

Elephant walking:


Elephants searching for sports utility vehicle in large, dusty parking lot:


Google Image: Elephants (medium-sized)

Pictures of Donkeys

This post was really inevitable. I'm not proud of it. It didn't take much thought or research, which are the staples which this blog has come to represent in the minds of many, odd-toed or otherwise. But, here they are - results from a Google image search for "donkeys". Come to think of it, this post is probably being Cyrano'd by Google's well-paid thought-control team members.

Speaking of Cyrano, did anybody else catch Hillary's good cry during the New Hampshire inauguration festivities? I knew Bill was good, but I didn't know he was THAT good. Stunning narcissism on display. What's that you say? You've seen the clip already. Wow - the readership is on top of it.

Donkeys loving each other:


Donkeys being donkeys:

Google Image: Donkeys (medium-sized)

democrapublicans unite!

I'm not thrilled that Tahoma is not one of my font options. You would think that Google has the manpower to make that possible. They're too busy trying to perfect their mind-control methodology, which is a really fantastic idea of which I personally benefit greatly!

This blog, in its infancy, is a platform for sharing the clever graphics of the newly formed "democrapublican Party". All graphics are property of this blogger, please use liberally (or conservatively, if you prefer) and extend credit where due (or "doo").

Enjoy!

The original, simple democrapublican graphic:

The subsequent, less appropriate, more complicated graphic:

Just for our South Carolina patrons, in time for your day in the moonlight: