Fish announces support of McCain; Biscuit still noncommital

I really question whether or not Ally McBeal humor can fly in 2008, but I was inspired by a picture of John McCain that I saw on CNN.com recently. So, here goes nothing ...

Founding partner Richard Fish of Cage, Fish, and Associates, LLC., recently announced his steadfast support of John McCain in the 2008 Presidental race. Fish said he is comfortable with the more tolerant Republican Party that has emerged in the past decade, and that he is particularly enamored with McCain's "wattle," calling it "the best I've seen since Hepburn in 'On Golden Pond.'"

Fellow founding partner John "Biscuit" Cage was less convicted, and is said to be having a difficult time deciding between Democratic choices Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and Republican rival McCain. Those that know him closely feel certain that when it comes time to step up to the ballot box, he will have no trouble putting his scattered thoughts together and making the right decision.

Attempts to schedule a unisex bathroom interview with the prominent Boston legal "dream team" have to date been unsuccessful.

Wisconsin Democrats 'hopeful'

Despite polls indicating that Wisconsin Democrats were split between preferences for 'blind hope' and 'past glories', primary day in Dairyland proved to be hope-tastic. This is the ninth straight victory for the 'hope' faction, having taken all of the momentum from the 'past glories' team ever since Super Tuesday. The 'hope' campaign said Tuesday night that it "sees a nation that wants hope, needs hope. We are the ones who can deliver that hope. What we have seen in this nation is that hope never dies. Even when Stefano DiMera brainwashes her, takes away her children, separates her from her one true love, or even kills her, Hope always comes back stronger than ever. If a little gaunt-looking."

Bill Clinton, spokesperson for 'done stuff', reacted by claiming that "Hope is so sixteen years ago. In fact, I was born in Hope, Arkansas, as you may already know. Even so, I haven't visited since that PR photo op that we had there during the 92 campaign. I don't imagine the economy is doing too hot. I'm not even sure I would recognize Hope if I saw it. But, I do recognize my wife and her past glories - and let me tell you, she was one attractive, intelligent, amazing woman. There comes a time in any political dynasty where you have to transition from selling hope to condemning hope, in order to get elected. Please join us, as I do not want to go home to that woman if she loses."

Prominent Republicans endorse Prominent Republican

Despite heartache amongs the pro-Clinton, pro-Obama conservative talking head crowd, including hopped-up-on-Oxycontin Rush Limbaugh and hopped-up-on-testosterone Ann Coulter and hopped-up-on-a-bully-pulpit Jim Dobson, several prominent conservative Republicans have recently announced their endorsement of pending Republican Presidential nominee John McCain.

Mitt Romney's famed anti-surrender-to-terror position is well-documented, but he further reinforced his commitment to a McCain Presidency (and the underlying Romney Vice Presidency) by stating his opposition to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Said Romney, "I like Mike Huckabee as a person. He has some interesting viewpoints, and we certainly have idealogical similarities. But, I cannot endorse his position of surrendering to terror by laying down our weapons and approaching the evil Muslims with bibles and love instead. He has this warped view of Jesus as a turn-the-other-cheek pansy, but I know that Jesus was really an ain't-nobody's-bitch-motha who annihilated civilizations that dared to challenge him. Like Jesus and Johnny, I'm all for mowing down anybody who reacts angrily to our mis-placed hostile occupation and nation building effort in Iraq, even though it will take 100 years. We're coming after you first, you French custard-filled pastries!"

Former President George H. W. Bush (the Elder) has similarly endorsed Johnny, but for perhaps different reasons. During a candid interview from the Kennebunkeport Harbor office, George the Elder summarized his endorsement as follows: "Honestly, I'm a long-time conservative Republican, going back well before my days in the public eye as Reagan's strong arm, and even before my years of undermining American principles by working intelligence deals in the Middle East that would make your toe-hair curl. As such, I clearly can't support anti-American candidates such as Hillary Clinton and that crazy muslim Barack Obama. Trust me, I only endorse crazy muslims that can make me ridiculously wealthy, and Obama does not fit that bill. Moreover, it's time for change. While you people have been dealing with this incompetent buffoon for seven years now, I've had to apologize for him his entire life. He has some deep-seeded need for my approval, and that bothers me. McCain is just what we need - a straight shooter, someone who can think for himself, someone who doesn't need my approval, and someone who is not our current president."

Limbaugh and Coulter simultaneously read on-air statements directly from the talking points memo, stating that "The endorsements of Bush and Romney do not reflect the beliefs of true conservatives. True conservatives are people who are in one-hundred percent lock-step agreement with the entirety of beliefs expressed by the true conservative arm of the Republican party, as expressed in our books, radio shows, and unfortunate television appearances. Although, if you think we're ugly, watch that James Carville sometime. Dear God. Trust me, my unparalleled crack research team backs this up by diligently and exhaustively comparing notes with (Ann/Rush)'s people. Don't be swept up by Johnny fever, as we need to continue threatening to vote for Hillary as long as there's a small bit of hope for a Huckabee nomination. When that hope is doused, we'll be certain to jump off the Hillary bandwagon, in favor of spreading stories about the legendary back stage orgies that Obama and the Clintons host after each debate, and of course Hillary's traitorous actions while piloting wiki boats in Vietnam as corroborated by numerous highly-paid wiki boat vets."

Clinton wins New Mexico cauci

The marathon New Mexico cauci have finally ended, all the votes were counted, and nobody was disenfranchised - this according to New Mexico Democratic Party officials, who appeared completely smashed after nine straight days of ballot counting & Jim Beam. Clinton graciously accepted the victory, in appreciation of the confidence shown by the New Mexico voters. Obama was disappointed, but accepted the result.

Meanwhile, no word has come in yet on the results of the Republican caucuses between hopefuls Barry Goldwater, Nelson Rockefeller, and Richard M. Nixon. The Arizona Senator appears to be a popular choice in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, but Vice President Nixon is holding on strong in the more rural areas of the state. Nixon seems like the likely national choice, but has been very secretive about who he might select as a runningmate.

Obama campaign accuses Clinton of using illegal steroids, HGH

The Obama campaign on Wednesday released evidence that presidential hopeful Senator Hillary Clinton may be 'shooting up' - and has asked Congress to look into the matter. It has long been rumored that steroids and human growth hormone (HGH) are rampant on the physical, often exhausting political campaign scene. Candidates have consistently denied any knowledge of drug abuse, with one recent president from Texas even going so far as to say "I have never taken steroids or HGH. No matter what we discuss here today, I am never going to have my name restored." That last point seems to be off topic, but we suspect his fervent denial of illegal drug use is just a result of his misremembering the past.

The Obama campaign's evidence seems to surround a recent interview with Hillary, in which she alluded to using several over-the-counter medications. These medications, which include vitamins, tea, and Purell, have been linked to steroid use, and critics claim that they are used as a smokescreen to cover up what's really going on. Tea, in particular, is used to temper dry mouth, malaise, and extreme aggression, which are among the more common immediate side-effects of HGH use, and are all common among highly-charged, stressful political campaigns where candidates are hopped up on growth hormone.

Further evidence comes from a recent admission by Bill Clinton during an interview with Bill Moyers that he has observed Hillary's "booty getting more and more delish, lately." A prominent side-effect of steroids, of course, is the enlargement of prominent physical features such as the skull, the hands, the feet, and the ass. It's never been a secret that Bill is a "butt man," or that he firmly believes that bigger equals better, brotha. One could easily speculate that Bill's increased excitement on the campaign trail in recent months is attributable to the side-effects of Hillary's near-constant topical steroid use.

When asked if he has ever taken steroids or HGH, Barack replied coyly, "Are you kidding me? Do you even know what the side effects are for that stuff? It would put me on a level playing field with that little white Republican dude, and that ain't happenin'."

A crazed Hillary sits down with Katie Couric, on CBS's The Morning Show:

Torture, yes! Principles, no!

John McCain: He was against waterboarding before he was for it.

"Mac" voted no today on the Intelligence Authorization Bill that requires the intelligence community to abide by the same standards as articulated in the Army Field Manual and bans waterboarding.

Looks like he's going to make a great "conservative" presedential candidate after all!

Clinton takes focus off the issues, places it on unsupported theoretical speculation

Senator Hillary Clinton made two moves over the weekend that screamed of wild-eyed desperation, then proceeded to deny said desperation with that wild look of desperation (see below) in those big, blue eyes.

First, on Saturday, Hillary stopped trying to convince the Democratic Party membership that she was a better candidate than Barack Obama. Instead, she is imploring the votership to select her as their nominee despite the fact that Barack is clearly better suited to lead the country, instead urging them to vote for the more electable candidate: Hillary. In the wake of emasculating defeats in five completely unimportant states, Hillary summarized the stakes as follows: "It is becoming increasingly obvious that you prefer my opponent, and it is now blindingly apparent that he would be the better president, but I implore you not to bring such an abrupt and painful end to my dream. Despite the fact that you love him, believe in him, and want to see him become president, vote for me instead because I am better qualified to defeat John McCain."

Meanwhile, Republicans everywhere are salivating at the possibility of a Hillary-Johnny showdown, and poll after poll comes in showing that Barack would be a much more formidable opponent for Johnny than would Hillary - in fact he would currently be a strong favorite to win the election if faced with Johnny.

On Sunday, Hillary followed her brilliant strategy of taking the focus off the issues and putting it back onto unsupported theoretical speculation by replacing her campaign manager. Her newly former campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle (right), is apparently the source of the "take the focus off the issues and put it back onto unsupported theoretical speculation" strategy. Doyle is expected to return to Wisteria Lane, where she will try to convince brother Carlos to dump his ex-wife Gabrielle immediately. Solis Doyle's replacement, Maggie Williams, is said to believe passionately in the long-retired political tactic entitled "it depends on what your definition of 'is' is."

Dirty old Australian guy publishes tawdry tabloid journals, undermines American family values, and is embraced by conservatives and evangelicals

Original article title that was too long for Blogspot title field:

Old Australian dude makes significant fortune publishing tawdry supermarket tabloids in Australia, England, and the United States, irrevocably undermines American family values by introducing such sordid programs as "Married with Children," "Herman's Head," and "The Simpsons" to network television, uses his hundreds of millions of dollars to capitalize on tens of millions of paranoid American conservatives and evangelicals by convincing them that his off-shoot news network is "fair and balanced" by telling them what they want to hear regardless its basis in truth

Article text:

Rupert Murdoch (76) is flanked by his third and current wife, Wendi Deng Murdoch (right, 39) and his fourth wife, Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban Murdoch (left, 40)

Suckas!!

Invitation: donkey sharing time

I don't want to just have a bully pulpit here. So, I invite the readership to share stories of interactions, conversations, vacations, portrait sessions, or any other activities they've shared with donkeys. Sometime later, we'll share about our adventures with elephants. But, for now, donkeys.

Obama campaign raises $7.2 million in 36 hours

On the heels of Hillary's announcement that she would like to raise $3 million in three days (I suppose to help pay herself back for the $5 million loan she gave herself), Barack's campaign announced this morning that it has raised $7.2 million since the polls closed on Tuesday night. Hillary's campaign has asked Barack's campaign for weekly debates, and would you please pick up the tab for the green room buffet. Barack's campaign would gladly pick up the buffet tab, but hemmed and hawed on the debate issue, as he staunchly believes that charity should be reserved for those struggling in the bottom 98% of the income bracket.

When asked to comment, Bill Gates indicated that he will make matching donations to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for all of the money that Barack collects. He went on to state that "Barack is a fund-raising machine. He is on pace to obliterate the campaign contribution records set by George Bush, and shortly thereafter will be able to buy and sell God. But, I have several orders of magnitude more money lying around in my underwear drawer that I can spare for a good cause, so I thought this was a good opportunity to distribute more of my freakish wealth."

Campaign finance reform mouthpiece John McCain stated that "it's unthinkable that someone could raise tens of millions of dollars, only to spend those dollars on an election. We've truly come to a place in this country where elections can be bought, and this scares me. If and when I buy the Presidency this November, I will make further campaign finance reform my first priority. And, you can help put me there by making a personal donation of up to $2,000 immediately. If we can raise an additional $40 million by March, this will put us above the $80 million mark and should go a long way in ensuring that we can compete with the Obama campaign and the $780 million budget that they're expected to have at that point. I thank my supporters for their deep pockets, and really wish I had rich & spendy Hollywood types supporting me, too."

Mitt was overheard on the phone with Johnny's campaign office, asking if he could have a bond to cover the bail he paid to free his own campaign this morning.

Mitt Romney suspends campaign

Upon receiving word that his campaign was arrested early Thursday morning on misdemeanor possession of alcohol by a minor, Mitt has suspended his campaign indefinitely. In a statement released earlier today, Mitt says that he has "already had a long talk about the incident with my campaign, and believe that my campaign is remorseful and will take the needed steps to reinstate itself into the Mitt team. I also believe that there are additional details at play that will come out eventually, so please don't read too much into the events of this morning until everything comes to light."

There is widespread Internet blogosphere speculation on the Googles that Johnny's campaign actually purchased the alcohol using a fake ID, and might have planted it in Mitt campaign's dorm room. Attempts to contact Johnny's campaign have been unsuccessful.

Mike's campaign, however, had this to say during an interview with Wolf Blitzer this morning: "This just further emphasizes the need for a return to true conservative values in America. Here we have two prominent national campaigns acting without regard for their candidates, teammates, and the laws of this country. I plan to send several text messages to my young, male page this afternoon, assuring him that Mike's campaign still believes in returning moral values to the youth of America, and to see if he wants to meet at my pad over in Georgetown tonight for some martinis and ............"

Super Tuesday 2008: results against predictions

This will be a running tab of the results, as compared to my predictions.

Running tally:
Correct donkey picks/total called: 11/21^
Correct elephant picks/total called: 14/21*
*West Virginia is effectively a win for Johnny
^New Mexico has not been called

Alabama -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mike
Commentary (7:44PM): Another southern victory for Barack.
Commentary (8:33PM): Mike is sure strong in the deep South. I should be more in tune with the Alabama voter.

Alaska -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt

Arizona -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (8:42PM): The Sun City contingent comes through again for Big Johnny.
Commentary (10:16PM): Another nice win for Hillary. It all comes down to California. Either way, the donkey race is still very much in play.

Arkansas -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mike
Actual winners: Hillary, Mike
Commentary (7:38PM): It sure pays to have two home states, as the Clintons are finding out.
Commentary (7:45PM): Mike sorely needs a few more home states to claim.

California -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (10:26PM): Biggest single win of the night so far. Not the nail in the coffin for Barack, but the momentum stopper that Hillary needed, to be sure. Only thing bigger than this would be a Johnny win in Cali, as that would be the nail in the coffin.
Commentary (10:27PM): Oh, wait, Johnny got a win in Cali. Hammer meet nail meet Republican Presidential Nominee Johnny Mac.

Colorado -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt

Connecticut -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:46PM): My first real incorrect pick (discounting the "fixed" West Virginia win for Johnny) on the elephant side comes in New England. Those enigmatic Connecticut republicans!!
Commentary (8:26PM): This win almost counters the New Jersey win for Hillary. California is enormous for Barack, but he should be able to retain relevance regardless of the outcome there. Those enigmatic Connecticut democrats!!

Delaware:
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:38PM): Johnny takes the every-important Delaware primary, with two a's and two e's.

Georgia -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mike
Commentary (7:53PM): The question now becomes, does Barack have the potential to steal southern states in a general election? Doubtful, but Georgia seems as good a candidate as any.
Commentary (9:31PM): More love for Mikey in the South, and he likes it.

Idaho -
Predicted winners: Barack
Actual winners: Barack

Illinois -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:55PM): Hillary could claim a third home state in any other election, but Barack-fever has overtaken this midwestern swing state and Barack solidly wins, as expected. Johnny has the big "mo".

Kansas -
Predicted winner: Barack
Actual winner: Barack

Massachusetts -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Hillary, Mitt
Commentary (7:51PM): Paper tiger, is old Mass. Very predictable, here and in November. Mitt, home state or not, you'll be abandoned - of course, that's assuming you can even get to November, which you can't. At least not on top of a ticket.

Minnesota -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt
Commentary (8:34PM): Nice midwestern win for Barack. Never hurts to have the Mall of America constituents.
Commentary (9:29PM): Mitt's trying to hang in there. Not convinced that he can.

Missouri -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:50AM): As the festivities wrapped up, it was clear that the day was a virtual tie between Hillary & Barack. My only real surprise was that Barack hadn't narrowed the California gap a little more - but Hillary has long had the edge there.

Montana -
Predicted winner: Johnny
Actual winner: Mitt
Commentary (10:17PM): An enormous, momentum-turning victory for Mitt in Big Sky country. I'm certain Mitt was prepared to concede, before hearing about the Montana result which surely spurred his confidence.

New Jersey -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (7:40PM): This is a big win for Johnny, in all seriousness. He has crazy momentum right now, and might end the Republican nominational race tonight.
Commentary (7:56PM): The win in New Jersey solidifies that tonight will not be disastrous for the former First Lady. A loss here could have signalled trouble ahead, but at worst she'll be in a dog-fight after tonight's outcomes. Holding on strong in the northeast, where mouthy broads reign supreme!

New Mexico -
Predicted winner: Barack
Actual winner: Barack leads currently, not called yet by CNN

New York -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (7:40PM): Hillary won, as expected, in her other home state. Johnny gets another big one.

North Dakota -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt
Commentary (8:10PM): My first miss that goes towards the Barack camp. Somehow, I imagine New Jersey is more exciting to win than North Dakota.

Oklahoma -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (7:55PM): God help us if Hillary breaks out into Rodgers & Hammerstein fare!!

Tennessee -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Mike
Commentary (7:42PM): Daddy's on a losing streak, underestimating the Senator from New York. Tennessee's a nice win.

Utah -
Predicted winners: Barack, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt
Commentary (8:07PM): Shockingly, Utah is even more predictable than Massachusetts!

West Virginia -
Predicted winners: Johnny
Actual winners: Mike
Commentary (2:46 PM): Even though Mike "technically" won, and Johnny only received 1% of the vote, Johnny is the real winner in West Virginia as I expected all along. It was his supporters who pushed Mike over the top, and kept all of those critical West Virginia delegates from voting for Mitt.


Source: CNN

A question about superdelegates

Is selling your soul a prerequisite for becoming a superdelegate?

Super Tuesday 2008: state by state analysis

Twenty-four states are holding a mixture of cauci and primaries today, holding the hopes of the remaining presidential candidates in the balance. I do realize that "cauci" is not actually a word, and that "caucuses" is the plural for "caucus" - but, "cauci" should be a word, and should be used more often in the mainstream media. I'm ahead of the curve, as usual.

Alabama Primaries -

A southern Democrat state since the 1860s, Alabama has more recently been wooed by the Republicans. But today, both parties are vying for the hearts and votes of Dixie, toward the ultimate goal of being the guy (or mouthy broad) who gets to follow George.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Alaska Cauci -

39 of Alaska's 84 registered voters will gather with bait breath today, to hear who they're supposed to vote for at this summer's conventions. Alaska is really pretty irrelevant.

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Arizona Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Arkansas Primaries -

Stuttgart, Arkansas is known as the "Rice Capital of the World." I've been there, and can attest to the fact that it is a rice wonderland. So, we interviewed local rice farmer Jerry Dale Marvin about the upcoming primaries: "Arkansas is an enigma wrapped inside a riddle tucked in the corner of a rice paddy," he expounded. "If you talk to an average Arkansan, they'll tell you they can't stand those pretentious Clintons. Yet, when it comes time to vote, we can't wait to see our favored sons sit on the high thrown in Washington. This year is no different." No different, indeed, Jerry Dale.

Winners: Hillary & Mike

California Primaries -

California has more people than it knows what to do with, and most of them are at the In 'n Out in Barstow right now waiting to order.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Colorado Cauci -

We're hoping to provide an up close and personal viewpoint from one Colorado Caucus.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Connecticut Primaries -

No Yalies in this group, laments a saddened Connecticut populace.

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Delaware Primaries -

This state has just two "e"s in its name.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Georgia Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Idaho Caucus -

Must appeal to the large Morman, potato-farming, and anti-government militia constituencies if you're going to carry the day in Idaho.

Winner: Barack

Illinois Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Kansas Donkey Caucus -

Winner: Barack

Massachusetts Primaries -

Massachusetts voters will be out of luck, as the Diebold voting machines will head to the locker room with time remaining on the clock. When asked about possible vote contamination that may have led to Johnny's stunning defeat, they respond with an unenthusiastic "No."

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Minnesota Cauci -

Winners: Hillary & Johnny

Missouri Primaries -

Winners: Hillary & Johnny

Montana Elephant Caucus -

Winner: Johnny

New Jersey Primaries -

In one of the more underrated primary contests, the large Garden State contingent comes out in full force and delivers the knockout blow for Barack & Johnny. Barack wins over the electorate by promising to rename the local football team from the inaccurate New York Giants to the geographically apt New Jersey Giants. Shameless, shameless politics.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

New Mexico Cauci -

Winner: Barack

New York Primaries -

In one of the more overrated primary contests, the large Manhattan State contingent comes out in full force and delivers the day's biggest victory for Hillary. Hillary wins over the electorate by promising the prevent the renaming of the New Jersey football team from the inaccurate New York Giants to geographically apt New Jersey Giants. More power to ya, Hill.

Winners: Hillary & Johnny

North Dakota Cauci -

Unable to unfreeze the voting machines, officials officially recognize the insignificance of North Dakota and flip a coin.

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Oklahoma Primaries -

Upon gaining the victory in Oklahoma, Barack demonstrates his inherant rhythm and incredible vocal range by bellowing "Oooooooooo-klabama where the wind comes sweeping down the plain! Where the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the raaaaiiiinnnn!!! Oklabamaaaaaaa O.K!!" O.K. indeed.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Tennessee Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Utah Primaries -

Nary a dry eye in the house, as Mitt concedes victory to Johnny, shortly after winning the Utah Primary. Technically, Mitt won both primaries, but was disqualified when it was learned that he was not officially on the donkeys' ballot, much to the chagrin of all seven Utah Democrats and several Osmonds.

Winners: Barack & Mitt

West Virginia Elephant Primary Part I -

No sitting president has visited West Virginia since 1893.

Winner: Johnny

As you have probably surmised, today's big winners will be Johnny & Barack. Johnny actually nails down the elephant nomination, as Mitt will concede within the next four days. Barack has a strong showing as well, particularly with his surprise victory in California. It's not enough to seal the victory, as Hillary could go from favorite-to-underdog-to-comeback kid. We shall see.

Map of the results

Feuling the anti-animal agenda

I am writing this as a plea to my friends in the animal kingdom, particularly to the donkeys and elephants who seem to be particularly hated anymore. Please, please be careful of your actions, so as not to incite the animal-haters to even more disturbing heights of animal hatred. I can only imagine the dollar signs that cross Tim Bedore's eyes when he hears a story like the one I'm about to tell you, as he likely knows it's only a matter of time before he becomes the humanitalistic mouthpiece to compliment that nationalistic mouthpiece, Lou Dobbs. Can you even imagine this country without the elephants and the illegals? It would be a country not worth loving.

Here's what happened, according to the vast liberal media: an American human was walking around Wild Elephant Valley in the Xishuangbanna region of the Yunnan province in China, near dusk. The man, Jeremy Allen McGill, is an English teacher in Wuhan. According to reports, the elephant picked the man up using his considerable trunk, and tossed him to the ground. This resulted in fractured ribs, stomach injuries, and a fear of elephants.

Here's what the liberal media won't tell you: an American human was walking around Wild Elephant Valley in the Xishuangbanna region of the Yunnan province in China, near dusk. The man, Jeremy Allen McGill, is an English teacher in Wuhan. He was carrying with him an "English for Dummies" book, and attempting to teach the elephant his native tongue. When the elephant was unable, he proceeded to taunt the elephant with insults such as "how are you gonna take over the world, when you can't even learn English?," and "if elephants have such great memories, why doesn't that affect my frustration about your inability to remember how to effectively use the words affect and effect?," and "don't raise your trunk at me ... you do not want to raise that trunk at me ... did you hear me? Are you deaf? Holy crap ................ NOOOOOOOOOO ...... PUT ME DOOOOWWN ........ I'll be NIIIICE!!!!"

THUMP.

Click for a location map of the festivities

As is usually the case, this is another example of an elephant being verbally assaulted, reacting as any of us would, and then being made out by the vast liberal media to be an animal because of it. If you humans learn anything from this, it's to let elephants be elephants. Don't try to Americanize them, and by all means never taunt their inability to capture the exceeding complexities of the English language.