A preview of Nevada

As most of my readership already knows, I have a remarkable historic track record of accurately projecting primary and caucus results. When the talking heads are talking, I'm sitting back watching the proceedings aghast, hoping none of it is true, but knowing that it really is because I indeed foretold it.

In fact, I have been dubbed the "Joe Lunardi of Presidential Primary Madness." In the spirit of that dubbing, I have created "game trackers" for this weekend's South Carolina primary and Nevada caucus. You'll see in them shifts in momentum, underdogs giving favorites a run for their money, and you'll know exactly when Hillary hits those back-to-back three pointers to put the proverbial nail in the South Carolina coffin. But, we'll start with Nevada.

1. Nevada Caucus - Elephants
Early Vegas betting lines have Rudy and Mitt neck and neck in the race. Early Vegas betting lines don't play the games though, and as you'll see, Rudy quickly is exposed for the fraud 4 seed that he is. Underdog Ken Huckabee actually plays him closely for much of the day, before breaking away to steal third place by two percentage points. More fascinating is the race between Mitt and Johnny. Mitt, with his enormous size advantage, jumps out to an early lead on the strength of his post play. As the day wears on, however, political elite underdog favorite Johnny starts to assert himself, and makes one final push to steal the day with 27% of the vote. Caucus members look cross-eyed at each other, trying to figure out what exactly happened, but they begrudgingly cross Mitt's name off their brackets and replace him with Johnny.

Nevada Caucus - Donkeys:

Pundits have spent all week predicting a dominating performance by Hillary in the Nevada Caucuses. As stated by one pundit, "Hillary has the size advantage down low, the experience factor on her side, and a quick first step that leaves opponents shaking their heads. However, if she happens to lose, don't be surprised to see her over on the sideline with her jersey pulled over her head, hurting for our loss, of course." I suppose Barack is the dark-horse here, or dark-donkey as it were. Is that politically incorrect? Probably. Can I retract that last statement? Barack is the underdog in Nevada, while Dennis is playing in the play-in game to decide who gets crushed by North Carolina on Thursday night ... ahem, I mean, John E., of course. Well, this day does not go according to the script. Barack jumps out to an early, solid lead. Hillary struggles to keep it close, throwing up desperation mascara run after desperation mascara run. At 5:00 in the afternoon, ABC News briefly calls the race for Barack, and reports that Hillary will shortly make a concession speech in which she drops out of the race. Surprisingly, this information is quickly discredited - yet, Obama retains his lead and wins by a comfortable 12 point margin, having put the scrubs in to finish the job.

If you think the action was heated in the Nevada Pod, wait until you see what happens in South Carolina!!

Coming later today: a preview of South Carolina & Nevada

I won't offer any opinions, per say, rather I'll just tell you how it's going to go down and who's going to come out on top. Stay on the edge of your seat, because you do not want to miss this.

Vague but patently false

I want to clarify up front that I am not speaking badly of The Bob and Tom Show. There is not one part of me that wants to get on the wrong side of the vast liberal media conspiracy that they represent. Frankly, I don't even listen to The Bob and Tom Show, because I get too worked up and angry when I listen to political talk radio. So, I'm most definitely not criticizing, Bob, Tom, or the vast liberal media conspiracy.

Now, to the topic: Tim Bedore

If you haven't heard of this nefarious mouthpiece of hate, you will now. Mr. Bedore hosts a weekly radio program that exists largely to promote the hatred of animals. The show is entitled "Vague but True (sic)." Mr. Bedore doesn't just hate certain species, like Stephen Colbert (bears). We mean, he hates ALL animals. He has worked himself into a frenzy, convinced that there is a (animal) kingdom-wide campaign being mounted to rid the world of human beings. He states that "the animals must be stopped."

As a well-established advocate for the humane treatment of donkeys and elephants, I now announce a formal and pointed counter-campaign to stop Tim Bedore from spreading hatred and lies against donkeys and elephants, and to stop inciting the masses to act in kind.

Here is an example, where Mr. Bedore clearly states in print on his website that a donkey, at Jesus' behest, was intricately involved in early attempts to increase pollutants in our atmosphere, thus presumably leading to the global warming crisis that we face today, thus leading to the anticipated end of all human life by the year 2045. Seriously, Mr. Bedore, you are espousing a theory that a donkey is to blame for billions and billions of (anticipated) deaths? I am sickened. And, to think there are people who fall for this.

Here is the text. Read it for yourself, then you can decide to be as righteously indignant as I always am.

"Jesus saddled up his ass and rode from town to town. His donkey did produce some pollution."

Mr. Bedore, please retract this statement forthwith.

Nevada Caucus

We don't want to be accused of pandering to the South Carolina voter by the less important Nevada voters, so we now unveil the official Nevada Caucus democrapublican graphic. Also notice the slightly modified South Carolina graphic.

You'll immediately be appalled by our unethical treatment of the donkey in the Nevada graphic. At first glance, it appears that the elephant has played a mean and dirty trick on the donkey, and taken advantage of his superior size and trunk strength. Elephants will be elephants, right? The reality, however, is that the donkey just had a few too many tequila shooters while partying at Mon Ami Gabi, and was dared into doing this willingly. When in Paris, right? Speaking of international travel with donkeys, we don't recommend it. Some countries don't have vocal donkey advocates, and you never know what your donkey will end up doing.

Well, not to worry, the big elephant will have his day of misfortune, too, I'm certain.

Premier of the Las Vegas democrapublican graphic:

Updated South Carolina democrapublican graphic:

Things I've learned at the zoo

As I mentioned in a previous dictation, the local zoo here has a family of African elephants. As it happens, one must pass by the giraffe licking exhibit, the meerkats, and maybe a few other animals that nobody remembers, before making it back to where the elephants reside. By this point, I'm usually so worn out from retrieving the three-year-old that I just meld into the hippopotamus benches, while everyone else watches the elephants being elephants.

All this is to say that the local African elephants are actually African Bush Elephants (Loxodonta africana). The more I think about it, the more grateful I am that our zoo opted to acquire these elephants - because of their street cred.

I think most people are familiar with Asian elephants (Elephas maximus), also known as "Indian elephants," or "not African elephants." You simply take one look at them - the rounded backs, the smallish facial features (you call those ears?), the oddly abundant toes, the inability to sustain eye contact, the freakish single trunk-finger, the weird gray skin color, the inability to both drive a car and focus on driving a car simulaneously, the males' much smaller trunks, the girls that usually don't even have tusks. To say the least, Asian elephants are inferior in every way to their African cousins.

What most don't know, even many in the industry, is that the African Forest Elephant (Loxodonta cyclotis) is a fraud, too. The slang term is "halfsie". Let me learn you on this topic, so you'll know what I know, because I know all about it.

You see, one day a very large bull African Bush Elephant (3.85m tall at the shoulder) caught a flight to some south Asian island. He was chillin' on the beach, hanging with some of his righteous cattle peeps, when a little cow Asian elephant sauntered by on her moped. She certainly caught Big Al's eye, with her little boom boom, tusklessness, and big, blue eyes. He was so intrigued by her that he trumpeted the climax of the 1812 Overture in her direction while he stomped his big elephant feet and crashed his big African elephant ear cymbals in time. This is the ultimate elephant pick-up line. Long story short, they got married, hooked up, had a little boy, got divorced, and Big Al moved back in with his parents.

Big Al celebrates his score

So the little boy, we'll call him "Ele-Bama", lives his whole life feeling very much like an African elephant. Compared to all of his contemparies, his ears are bigger, his trunk is two-fingered, even his trumpeting has a little more rhythm and a deeper, more bellowing sound to it. This serves him well as he travels around the world growing up, learning about different cultures and religions, meeting a diverse company of animals, attending the best schools, and becoming a prominent elephant attorney. Before long, he finds his way into regional and ultimately national elephant contests, and is even thrust into the race to see who is going to be the elephant of elephants (Asian category).

Then one day, an elephant pundit from Mumbai makes a startling observation. "Ele-Bama," he says, "is not a real African elephant. He has no legitimate African elephant credibility." And, the pundit was spot-on in his criticism. Compared to African Bush Elephants, Ele-Bama had a weird, gray skin tone. He had rounder, slightly smaller ears. He had those weird extra toes. He had straight, pink-tinged, downward-angled tusks. He was even smaller than a typical African Bush Elephant. And, perhaps most importantly, his family never experienced the radical treatment that has beset African elephants historically in all of Asia, particularly south Asia.

An introspective Ele-Bama reflects during a campaign stop

So now, not only did Ele-Bama have to deal with the inherant racial bias that all African and partially African elephants face in portions of south Asia, but he also had to deal with claims that he was not a "legitimate" African elephant. And, frankly, he wasn't.

Now you know the origins of the African Forest Elephant: thought by many to be a real African elephant, but really just the bastard offspring of a horny African Bush Elephant and his temporary Asian lover.

The Game of Politics

Congress: "We want an August '08 Iraq pull-out"

White House: "Go fish"

State Governor: "We want revisions to 'No Child Left Behind'"

White House: "Go fish"

White House: "We want another 100 billion dollars for the war against terror"

Congress: "Go fish"

Congress: "We want to blame the White House for everything"

Media: "Yeah, we've got a match for that"

White House: "Anyone up for Simon Says?"

Pictures of Elephants

I realized several years ago when taking my children (yes, I've spawned) to the local zoo, that said local zoo is home to a family of African elephants. African elephants, as you probably already know, are distinguished from Indian elephants by their historic tendency to be born in Africa. They also have great memories, which enable them to remember how to text message teenage boys despite their advanced age and lack of opposable thumbs or any connection to modern American society.

Moreover, I find it remarkable that when you pick random animals and Google Image search for them on the Google, there are inevitably pictures of these animals mating with each other on the first row. I wonder aloud if there is a Google mind-control sex agenda. I almost Google Image searched "Elephants and Donkeys", but given the Google mind-control sex agenda I shudder to think what would come up. Besides, my aforementioned unfortunate children are the offspring of elephant and donkey happenings, so I live the nightmare every day. (Just kidding honey. Remember, it's Google talking.)

Elephant walking:


Elephants searching for sports utility vehicle in large, dusty parking lot:


Google Image: Elephants (medium-sized)