Cue the violins, Oliver Stone

Bill's just getting his groove on, y'all.

Bill Clinton: 'Cover up' hiding Hillary Clinton's chances (CNN)

Here's the ultimate gem: "I can't believe it. It is just frantic the way they are trying to push and pressure and bully all these superdelegates to come out."

Gee, Bill, I wonder where they got that tactic? Could they have taken it straight out of the Hillary Clinton Fall 2007 Playbook? You weren't crying about her premature 200+ superdelegate lead back then, as I recall.

It's unseemly how whiny these two have become. Have some self-respect, please.

Geraldine Ferraro exclusive

Amid the uproar surrounding her criticism of Obama, Geraldine Ferraro has had little chance to catch her breath. Well, we caught up with the former Vice Presidential nominee to find out what she was really talking about.

a democrapublican: Congresswoman Ferraro, we understand based on comments in the press that you have a problem with how the Obama campaign has dealt with Senator Clinton's gender. Is this a fair statement?

Geraldine Ferraro: Yes, I have found the rampant sexism of Obama's campaign to be deplorable.

crap: Would you please cite an example?

Ger: For the better part of a year, Obama has been out on the campaign trail and has not once mentioned the fact that Hillary should be elected as the first female President of the United States of America.

crap: Ok?

Ger: Instead, he keeps making this ridiculous argument that he is the better candidate, without regard for the fact that Hillary should be elected as the first female President of the United States of America.

crap: That's some nerve.

Ger: I know. It's deplorable and misogynistic, to quote Senator Clinton.

crap: Yes, that's the word.

Ger: I implore Mr. Obama and the boys in his campaign to cease this disgusting practice of not campaigning for Senator Clinton to be the first female President of the United States. Otherwise, I will use my ever-expanding mouthpiece as a sane commentator to continue portraying them as the sexist old men that they truly are.

crap: Any parting comments for the voters out there reading this?

Ger: As Senator Clinton and I have been saying all along, please exercise your right to vote for the first female President of the United States. To do otherwise could only be motivated by the insecurity one feels at having been rendered impotent long ago by women like us.

crap: It's insidious. Thank you for your time, Congresswoman.

Ger: Please, call me Gerry, sweetie. *wink*

crap: This is awkward.

Bill Clinton: Hillary "can still be nominated"

Sirhan Sirhan could not be reached for comment.

"It's Just a Flesh Wound!"

Ok, so is a certain presidential candidate starting to remind us of someone??

Praise the Lord, Pennsylvania is dead!

Guns are for winners!

Hillary's latest tactic to attract votes is by trying to appeal to the gun totin' liberals (wait, there are such people?)...

In a campaign stop on Saturday, Clinton recalled the good 'ol days when daddy used to take her out hunting:

"You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught be how to shoot when I was a little girl."

She later said she has hunted ducks. No word from the duck lobbyists on how this will impact her standing with the left leaning water-fowl.

In this appeal, Hillary was employing a tactic that I have used frequently in my dating life - look like a outdoorsy bad ass that "daddy dun taught right" and you'll attract all the dudes. You may laugh, but I snagged my husband that way. So, maybe Hillary's looking for a replacement for Bill? Or maybe she actually thinks that she can still win this thing. Or maybe she's auditioning for a role as Annie Oakley in a new Broadway play since her political career is pretty much over.

Quote of the Day

"If Hillary is like Rocky, as she keeps saying, then it must be because they both suffered brain damage after going too many rounds. "

The Beautiful People

This picture of the future fashionista President and her hipster First Gentleman is just stunning. Note the confident looks clearly saying, "success is my destiny" ... the rapid stride through midtown Manhattan, possibly ... as well as the fact that she appears to be Tom Cruise dressed up in drag ... I expect her at any moment to strip down to her skivvies and start dance/lipsynching to some old-time Bob Seger tunes ... flip that collar up and let it all go, baby!

A hiatus averted

I've been away for almost a month now, and feel refreshed and renewed and ready to dive head-first back into that political beast that so enraptures us all. So, first and foremost, special thanks to Lar for keeping this train afloat. Can you keep trains afloat? She must have a barge. Or an inflatable train.

As I jump back into the political season of our youth, I find nothing to be very excited about. I guess the good news is that things have again heated up in Iraq - people are dying, families are uprooted, oil profits are disappearing - so, this should put us in a good position for more healthy debate this spring, summer, & fall about the Middle East and our collective role there. That should be fun. W has quite a legacy awaiting him.

As Johnny sits back and tosses the occassional gallon of lighter fluid into the fire, chuckling all the way, the Democratic Primary season continues in seeming perpetuity. With Barack holding a commanding lead in the pledged delegate count, Hillary's best idea is for him to concede the race and become her Veep candidate. Are these the kinds of brilliant ideas that she's going to employ once in office? She has a staunch, loyal following that keeps her ego fed and her aspirations in tact, so we should have another few good months at watching the two spar before he finally secures the nomination in Denver.

Barack, for his part, has found it in him to stand by his man. Well, mostly. Tammy Wynette would be proud, anyway. But, as the country songstress well found out, sometimes you just have to let your legendary alcoholic husband go burden somebody else for awhile. Such is the case for Barack, as he now must find a way to love his man, and yet distance himself as far as possible from the drunken rages that have erupted. Think Al Gore in the wake of Monica. No, on second thought, that didn't work out very well for Al.

In the good news department, the United States officially suffered its 2,100th military death at the hands of weapons that we sold to the Iraqis back in the mid-80s. We're not sure what the overall allied death at the hands of weapons that we sold to the Iraqis back in the mid-80s total is, as U.S. contractor and non-U.S. troops aren't particularly relevant. Meanwhile, if things heat up in Iran a little more, we could be setting out on a new adventure in counting U.S. deaths at the hands of weapons that we sold to the Iranians back in the early-to-mid-80s. Fingers crossed, Johnny. This one could be yours, too.

I don't feel very well, and am therefore a little cynical today. Perhaps it's because, even in the midst of their encompassing madness, the words of Obama's man contain more truth than we might ever want to admit. We're prostitutes, we're mercinaries, and we're ultimately driven by an ego that would make Texas blush. I'm not saying that we're any worse than any of the other super powers that the world has known, but it sure is interesting to observe. I'm going to go back to eating my Hot Pocket, in the abject fear that it might end up coming back up in 20 minutes. Now, to figure out if this nausea is induced by biological, chemical, or political agents.

Good times in this hell that is the endless democratic primary season

I so wish I could take credit for this, but instead, I'm cross-pollinating it - courtesy of http://www.236.com/

Hillary: what did I ever do to you?

For God's sake will you PLEASE STOP TALKING!

Or, as the incomparable Maureen Dowd stated in a recent column ... "All the victimizations go tripping over each other and colliding, a competition of historical guilts."

"Red Phone Ad" Girl is Really an Obama Supporter, Ahhhh the Irony!

According to a story published on CNN.com, the sleeping child in Clinton's "vote for me or my husband Bill will have your kid bumped off in the night" scare tactic ad, is now an 18 year old, and an Avid Obama supprter. As my friend Homer would say: "Doh!" Apparently the Clinton campaign bought the 10 year old footage from a media company and used it. How donkey-worthy!

Sounds as though the Obama campaign may capitalize on this by bringing the her over to their side for an ad. Ahh, sweet justice.

You can read more here: http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/10/clinton.ad.obama.ap/index.html

Now, I must go back to my kool-aide drinking...

Crap. Folks, we're in this one for the long haul.

And in honor of that fact, I couldn't let this lovely photo montage pass us by.

Enjoy!

"The Teller County Assembly" OR "How I Met One of Those Elusive Superdelegates"

One what has been perhaps the nicest day of 2008, I spent my afternoon cooped up in the Woodland Park library with 100 of my closest friends/neighbors, all Democrats, as we partook in the County Assembly. The more I get into this whole “politics” thing, the more I realize how whacked out the system truly is, the old processes by which we elect delegates at a precinct, county, and state level to represent our parties at the national convention, all to elect a president. It makes sense from a historical standpoint, but in this day and age it seems somewhat like pomp and circumstance, not really necessary, but also a very cool way for even the most average of Joes to get involved in the political process. And that’s where I came in…

After a month of calling every registered Democrat in my precinct on behalf of the Obama Campaign, we had a successful Super Tuesday where 2/3 of the voters in my precinct voted for Obama. It was amazing to see lines out the door at the caucus check-in and to be reminded that, although we are a heavily Republican county, there is some interest by the Democrats as well. At the Caucuses each precinct had to elect 9 delegates to attend the County Assembly on their behalf. I was proud to have been chosen as a delegate and represent Senator Obama at our County Assembly this weekend.

The County Assembly was an interesting, odd, and somewhat informal gathering. 96 of us delegates and alternates crammed into a small room at the library, speeches from potential candidates for local elections, state elections, and of course, on behalf of the Democratic candidates themselves. It was no shocker to me that the Clinton campaign didn’t bother to send anyone to speak on her behalf. She plainly ignored the caucus states which require too much effort to court, and I, as a Democrat and a woman, am insulted that I didn’t receive as much as a pre-recorded phone call from her campaign. Heck, even Ron Paul sent me a text message! It doesn’t matter I guess, I wouldn’t have caucused for her anyhow. So back to my story, the Clinton campaign was represented by a nice gentleman who spoke a few brief words to the character of Senator Clinton. The Obama campaign was represented by one of my fellow Precinct Captains who is a disabled young man who has been moved by the politics of the past 8 years to get involved. This will be the first Presidential election he gets to vote in and his speech moved me close to tears. It’s this kind of passion that represents why so many people are on the Obama-wagon.

We also got to hear from some head-honch guy in the State Democratic Party who had sped in from Chaffee County. In a somewhat energizing “rally the liberal commies” speech he spoke about the upcoming elections and how, for the first time, instead of the party trying to tell us this is the most important election in a generation, it was, in fact, the voters who are telling the party that this is the most important election of e generation by turning out en masse. So, yay voters! I expect to see you all in November. Turns out the head-honch is also one of those elusive superdelegates, and it is very rare to view them in captivity, so I was quite excited about that. Also exciting news was he wasn’t one of the superdelegates that had been bought by the Clinton campaign, and thus, was an avid Obama supporter.

In the end, my nearly 4 hours spent in a hot and stuffy room on behalf of the greater good was rewarded as I was chosen to be an alternate at the State Democratic Convention and Assembly. Another chance to get to be a part of the weird and crazy process that is politics. I’m also volunteering to help on a few committees at the event. Next stop after that? Volunteering at the National Convention and then off to President Obama’s cabinet…

And now, for fun, here's a picture from the Obama Rally in late-January.

Fish announces support of McCain; Biscuit still noncommital

I really question whether or not Ally McBeal humor can fly in 2008, but I was inspired by a picture of John McCain that I saw on CNN.com recently. So, here goes nothing ...

Founding partner Richard Fish of Cage, Fish, and Associates, LLC., recently announced his steadfast support of John McCain in the 2008 Presidental race. Fish said he is comfortable with the more tolerant Republican Party that has emerged in the past decade, and that he is particularly enamored with McCain's "wattle," calling it "the best I've seen since Hepburn in 'On Golden Pond.'"

Fellow founding partner John "Biscuit" Cage was less convicted, and is said to be having a difficult time deciding between Democratic choices Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and Republican rival McCain. Those that know him closely feel certain that when it comes time to step up to the ballot box, he will have no trouble putting his scattered thoughts together and making the right decision.

Attempts to schedule a unisex bathroom interview with the prominent Boston legal "dream team" have to date been unsuccessful.

Wisconsin Democrats 'hopeful'

Despite polls indicating that Wisconsin Democrats were split between preferences for 'blind hope' and 'past glories', primary day in Dairyland proved to be hope-tastic. This is the ninth straight victory for the 'hope' faction, having taken all of the momentum from the 'past glories' team ever since Super Tuesday. The 'hope' campaign said Tuesday night that it "sees a nation that wants hope, needs hope. We are the ones who can deliver that hope. What we have seen in this nation is that hope never dies. Even when Stefano DiMera brainwashes her, takes away her children, separates her from her one true love, or even kills her, Hope always comes back stronger than ever. If a little gaunt-looking."

Bill Clinton, spokesperson for 'done stuff', reacted by claiming that "Hope is so sixteen years ago. In fact, I was born in Hope, Arkansas, as you may already know. Even so, I haven't visited since that PR photo op that we had there during the 92 campaign. I don't imagine the economy is doing too hot. I'm not even sure I would recognize Hope if I saw it. But, I do recognize my wife and her past glories - and let me tell you, she was one attractive, intelligent, amazing woman. There comes a time in any political dynasty where you have to transition from selling hope to condemning hope, in order to get elected. Please join us, as I do not want to go home to that woman if she loses."

Prominent Republicans endorse Prominent Republican

Despite heartache amongs the pro-Clinton, pro-Obama conservative talking head crowd, including hopped-up-on-Oxycontin Rush Limbaugh and hopped-up-on-testosterone Ann Coulter and hopped-up-on-a-bully-pulpit Jim Dobson, several prominent conservative Republicans have recently announced their endorsement of pending Republican Presidential nominee John McCain.

Mitt Romney's famed anti-surrender-to-terror position is well-documented, but he further reinforced his commitment to a McCain Presidency (and the underlying Romney Vice Presidency) by stating his opposition to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Said Romney, "I like Mike Huckabee as a person. He has some interesting viewpoints, and we certainly have idealogical similarities. But, I cannot endorse his position of surrendering to terror by laying down our weapons and approaching the evil Muslims with bibles and love instead. He has this warped view of Jesus as a turn-the-other-cheek pansy, but I know that Jesus was really an ain't-nobody's-bitch-motha who annihilated civilizations that dared to challenge him. Like Jesus and Johnny, I'm all for mowing down anybody who reacts angrily to our mis-placed hostile occupation and nation building effort in Iraq, even though it will take 100 years. We're coming after you first, you French custard-filled pastries!"

Former President George H. W. Bush (the Elder) has similarly endorsed Johnny, but for perhaps different reasons. During a candid interview from the Kennebunkeport Harbor office, George the Elder summarized his endorsement as follows: "Honestly, I'm a long-time conservative Republican, going back well before my days in the public eye as Reagan's strong arm, and even before my years of undermining American principles by working intelligence deals in the Middle East that would make your toe-hair curl. As such, I clearly can't support anti-American candidates such as Hillary Clinton and that crazy muslim Barack Obama. Trust me, I only endorse crazy muslims that can make me ridiculously wealthy, and Obama does not fit that bill. Moreover, it's time for change. While you people have been dealing with this incompetent buffoon for seven years now, I've had to apologize for him his entire life. He has some deep-seeded need for my approval, and that bothers me. McCain is just what we need - a straight shooter, someone who can think for himself, someone who doesn't need my approval, and someone who is not our current president."

Limbaugh and Coulter simultaneously read on-air statements directly from the talking points memo, stating that "The endorsements of Bush and Romney do not reflect the beliefs of true conservatives. True conservatives are people who are in one-hundred percent lock-step agreement with the entirety of beliefs expressed by the true conservative arm of the Republican party, as expressed in our books, radio shows, and unfortunate television appearances. Although, if you think we're ugly, watch that James Carville sometime. Dear God. Trust me, my unparalleled crack research team backs this up by diligently and exhaustively comparing notes with (Ann/Rush)'s people. Don't be swept up by Johnny fever, as we need to continue threatening to vote for Hillary as long as there's a small bit of hope for a Huckabee nomination. When that hope is doused, we'll be certain to jump off the Hillary bandwagon, in favor of spreading stories about the legendary back stage orgies that Obama and the Clintons host after each debate, and of course Hillary's traitorous actions while piloting wiki boats in Vietnam as corroborated by numerous highly-paid wiki boat vets."

Clinton wins New Mexico cauci

The marathon New Mexico cauci have finally ended, all the votes were counted, and nobody was disenfranchised - this according to New Mexico Democratic Party officials, who appeared completely smashed after nine straight days of ballot counting & Jim Beam. Clinton graciously accepted the victory, in appreciation of the confidence shown by the New Mexico voters. Obama was disappointed, but accepted the result.

Meanwhile, no word has come in yet on the results of the Republican caucuses between hopefuls Barry Goldwater, Nelson Rockefeller, and Richard M. Nixon. The Arizona Senator appears to be a popular choice in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, but Vice President Nixon is holding on strong in the more rural areas of the state. Nixon seems like the likely national choice, but has been very secretive about who he might select as a runningmate.

Obama campaign accuses Clinton of using illegal steroids, HGH

The Obama campaign on Wednesday released evidence that presidential hopeful Senator Hillary Clinton may be 'shooting up' - and has asked Congress to look into the matter. It has long been rumored that steroids and human growth hormone (HGH) are rampant on the physical, often exhausting political campaign scene. Candidates have consistently denied any knowledge of drug abuse, with one recent president from Texas even going so far as to say "I have never taken steroids or HGH. No matter what we discuss here today, I am never going to have my name restored." That last point seems to be off topic, but we suspect his fervent denial of illegal drug use is just a result of his misremembering the past.

The Obama campaign's evidence seems to surround a recent interview with Hillary, in which she alluded to using several over-the-counter medications. These medications, which include vitamins, tea, and Purell, have been linked to steroid use, and critics claim that they are used as a smokescreen to cover up what's really going on. Tea, in particular, is used to temper dry mouth, malaise, and extreme aggression, which are among the more common immediate side-effects of HGH use, and are all common among highly-charged, stressful political campaigns where candidates are hopped up on growth hormone.

Further evidence comes from a recent admission by Bill Clinton during an interview with Bill Moyers that he has observed Hillary's "booty getting more and more delish, lately." A prominent side-effect of steroids, of course, is the enlargement of prominent physical features such as the skull, the hands, the feet, and the ass. It's never been a secret that Bill is a "butt man," or that he firmly believes that bigger equals better, brotha. One could easily speculate that Bill's increased excitement on the campaign trail in recent months is attributable to the side-effects of Hillary's near-constant topical steroid use.

When asked if he has ever taken steroids or HGH, Barack replied coyly, "Are you kidding me? Do you even know what the side effects are for that stuff? It would put me on a level playing field with that little white Republican dude, and that ain't happenin'."

A crazed Hillary sits down with Katie Couric, on CBS's The Morning Show:

Torture, yes! Principles, no!

John McCain: He was against waterboarding before he was for it.

"Mac" voted no today on the Intelligence Authorization Bill that requires the intelligence community to abide by the same standards as articulated in the Army Field Manual and bans waterboarding.

Looks like he's going to make a great "conservative" presedential candidate after all!

Clinton takes focus off the issues, places it on unsupported theoretical speculation

Senator Hillary Clinton made two moves over the weekend that screamed of wild-eyed desperation, then proceeded to deny said desperation with that wild look of desperation (see below) in those big, blue eyes.

First, on Saturday, Hillary stopped trying to convince the Democratic Party membership that she was a better candidate than Barack Obama. Instead, she is imploring the votership to select her as their nominee despite the fact that Barack is clearly better suited to lead the country, instead urging them to vote for the more electable candidate: Hillary. In the wake of emasculating defeats in five completely unimportant states, Hillary summarized the stakes as follows: "It is becoming increasingly obvious that you prefer my opponent, and it is now blindingly apparent that he would be the better president, but I implore you not to bring such an abrupt and painful end to my dream. Despite the fact that you love him, believe in him, and want to see him become president, vote for me instead because I am better qualified to defeat John McCain."

Meanwhile, Republicans everywhere are salivating at the possibility of a Hillary-Johnny showdown, and poll after poll comes in showing that Barack would be a much more formidable opponent for Johnny than would Hillary - in fact he would currently be a strong favorite to win the election if faced with Johnny.

On Sunday, Hillary followed her brilliant strategy of taking the focus off the issues and putting it back onto unsupported theoretical speculation by replacing her campaign manager. Her newly former campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle (right), is apparently the source of the "take the focus off the issues and put it back onto unsupported theoretical speculation" strategy. Doyle is expected to return to Wisteria Lane, where she will try to convince brother Carlos to dump his ex-wife Gabrielle immediately. Solis Doyle's replacement, Maggie Williams, is said to believe passionately in the long-retired political tactic entitled "it depends on what your definition of 'is' is."

Dirty old Australian guy publishes tawdry tabloid journals, undermines American family values, and is embraced by conservatives and evangelicals

Original article title that was too long for Blogspot title field:

Old Australian dude makes significant fortune publishing tawdry supermarket tabloids in Australia, England, and the United States, irrevocably undermines American family values by introducing such sordid programs as "Married with Children," "Herman's Head," and "The Simpsons" to network television, uses his hundreds of millions of dollars to capitalize on tens of millions of paranoid American conservatives and evangelicals by convincing them that his off-shoot news network is "fair and balanced" by telling them what they want to hear regardless its basis in truth

Article text:

Rupert Murdoch (76) is flanked by his third and current wife, Wendi Deng Murdoch (right, 39) and his fourth wife, Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban Murdoch (left, 40)

Suckas!!

Invitation: donkey sharing time

I don't want to just have a bully pulpit here. So, I invite the readership to share stories of interactions, conversations, vacations, portrait sessions, or any other activities they've shared with donkeys. Sometime later, we'll share about our adventures with elephants. But, for now, donkeys.

Obama campaign raises $7.2 million in 36 hours

On the heels of Hillary's announcement that she would like to raise $3 million in three days (I suppose to help pay herself back for the $5 million loan she gave herself), Barack's campaign announced this morning that it has raised $7.2 million since the polls closed on Tuesday night. Hillary's campaign has asked Barack's campaign for weekly debates, and would you please pick up the tab for the green room buffet. Barack's campaign would gladly pick up the buffet tab, but hemmed and hawed on the debate issue, as he staunchly believes that charity should be reserved for those struggling in the bottom 98% of the income bracket.

When asked to comment, Bill Gates indicated that he will make matching donations to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for all of the money that Barack collects. He went on to state that "Barack is a fund-raising machine. He is on pace to obliterate the campaign contribution records set by George Bush, and shortly thereafter will be able to buy and sell God. But, I have several orders of magnitude more money lying around in my underwear drawer that I can spare for a good cause, so I thought this was a good opportunity to distribute more of my freakish wealth."

Campaign finance reform mouthpiece John McCain stated that "it's unthinkable that someone could raise tens of millions of dollars, only to spend those dollars on an election. We've truly come to a place in this country where elections can be bought, and this scares me. If and when I buy the Presidency this November, I will make further campaign finance reform my first priority. And, you can help put me there by making a personal donation of up to $2,000 immediately. If we can raise an additional $40 million by March, this will put us above the $80 million mark and should go a long way in ensuring that we can compete with the Obama campaign and the $780 million budget that they're expected to have at that point. I thank my supporters for their deep pockets, and really wish I had rich & spendy Hollywood types supporting me, too."

Mitt was overheard on the phone with Johnny's campaign office, asking if he could have a bond to cover the bail he paid to free his own campaign this morning.

Mitt Romney suspends campaign

Upon receiving word that his campaign was arrested early Thursday morning on misdemeanor possession of alcohol by a minor, Mitt has suspended his campaign indefinitely. In a statement released earlier today, Mitt says that he has "already had a long talk about the incident with my campaign, and believe that my campaign is remorseful and will take the needed steps to reinstate itself into the Mitt team. I also believe that there are additional details at play that will come out eventually, so please don't read too much into the events of this morning until everything comes to light."

There is widespread Internet blogosphere speculation on the Googles that Johnny's campaign actually purchased the alcohol using a fake ID, and might have planted it in Mitt campaign's dorm room. Attempts to contact Johnny's campaign have been unsuccessful.

Mike's campaign, however, had this to say during an interview with Wolf Blitzer this morning: "This just further emphasizes the need for a return to true conservative values in America. Here we have two prominent national campaigns acting without regard for their candidates, teammates, and the laws of this country. I plan to send several text messages to my young, male page this afternoon, assuring him that Mike's campaign still believes in returning moral values to the youth of America, and to see if he wants to meet at my pad over in Georgetown tonight for some martinis and ............"

Super Tuesday 2008: results against predictions

This will be a running tab of the results, as compared to my predictions.

Running tally:
Correct donkey picks/total called: 11/21^
Correct elephant picks/total called: 14/21*
*West Virginia is effectively a win for Johnny
^New Mexico has not been called

Alabama -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mike
Commentary (7:44PM): Another southern victory for Barack.
Commentary (8:33PM): Mike is sure strong in the deep South. I should be more in tune with the Alabama voter.

Alaska -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt

Arizona -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (8:42PM): The Sun City contingent comes through again for Big Johnny.
Commentary (10:16PM): Another nice win for Hillary. It all comes down to California. Either way, the donkey race is still very much in play.

Arkansas -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mike
Actual winners: Hillary, Mike
Commentary (7:38PM): It sure pays to have two home states, as the Clintons are finding out.
Commentary (7:45PM): Mike sorely needs a few more home states to claim.

California -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (10:26PM): Biggest single win of the night so far. Not the nail in the coffin for Barack, but the momentum stopper that Hillary needed, to be sure. Only thing bigger than this would be a Johnny win in Cali, as that would be the nail in the coffin.
Commentary (10:27PM): Oh, wait, Johnny got a win in Cali. Hammer meet nail meet Republican Presidential Nominee Johnny Mac.

Colorado -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt

Connecticut -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:46PM): My first real incorrect pick (discounting the "fixed" West Virginia win for Johnny) on the elephant side comes in New England. Those enigmatic Connecticut republicans!!
Commentary (8:26PM): This win almost counters the New Jersey win for Hillary. California is enormous for Barack, but he should be able to retain relevance regardless of the outcome there. Those enigmatic Connecticut democrats!!

Delaware:
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:38PM): Johnny takes the every-important Delaware primary, with two a's and two e's.

Georgia -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mike
Commentary (7:53PM): The question now becomes, does Barack have the potential to steal southern states in a general election? Doubtful, but Georgia seems as good a candidate as any.
Commentary (9:31PM): More love for Mikey in the South, and he likes it.

Idaho -
Predicted winners: Barack
Actual winners: Barack

Illinois -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:55PM): Hillary could claim a third home state in any other election, but Barack-fever has overtaken this midwestern swing state and Barack solidly wins, as expected. Johnny has the big "mo".

Kansas -
Predicted winner: Barack
Actual winner: Barack

Massachusetts -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Hillary, Mitt
Commentary (7:51PM): Paper tiger, is old Mass. Very predictable, here and in November. Mitt, home state or not, you'll be abandoned - of course, that's assuming you can even get to November, which you can't. At least not on top of a ticket.

Minnesota -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt
Commentary (8:34PM): Nice midwestern win for Barack. Never hurts to have the Mall of America constituents.
Commentary (9:29PM): Mitt's trying to hang in there. Not convinced that he can.

Missouri -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Johnny
Actual winners: Barack, Johnny
Commentary (7:50AM): As the festivities wrapped up, it was clear that the day was a virtual tie between Hillary & Barack. My only real surprise was that Barack hadn't narrowed the California gap a little more - but Hillary has long had the edge there.

Montana -
Predicted winner: Johnny
Actual winner: Mitt
Commentary (10:17PM): An enormous, momentum-turning victory for Mitt in Big Sky country. I'm certain Mitt was prepared to concede, before hearing about the Montana result which surely spurred his confidence.

New Jersey -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (7:40PM): This is a big win for Johnny, in all seriousness. He has crazy momentum right now, and might end the Republican nominational race tonight.
Commentary (7:56PM): The win in New Jersey solidifies that tonight will not be disastrous for the former First Lady. A loss here could have signalled trouble ahead, but at worst she'll be in a dog-fight after tonight's outcomes. Holding on strong in the northeast, where mouthy broads reign supreme!

New Mexico -
Predicted winner: Barack
Actual winner: Barack leads currently, not called yet by CNN

New York -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (7:40PM): Hillary won, as expected, in her other home state. Johnny gets another big one.

North Dakota -
Predicted winners: Hillary, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt
Commentary (8:10PM): My first miss that goes towards the Barack camp. Somehow, I imagine New Jersey is more exciting to win than North Dakota.

Oklahoma -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Johnny
Commentary (7:55PM): God help us if Hillary breaks out into Rodgers & Hammerstein fare!!

Tennessee -
Predicted winners: Barack, Johnny
Actual winners: Hillary, Mike
Commentary (7:42PM): Daddy's on a losing streak, underestimating the Senator from New York. Tennessee's a nice win.

Utah -
Predicted winners: Barack, Mitt
Actual winners: Barack, Mitt
Commentary (8:07PM): Shockingly, Utah is even more predictable than Massachusetts!

West Virginia -
Predicted winners: Johnny
Actual winners: Mike
Commentary (2:46 PM): Even though Mike "technically" won, and Johnny only received 1% of the vote, Johnny is the real winner in West Virginia as I expected all along. It was his supporters who pushed Mike over the top, and kept all of those critical West Virginia delegates from voting for Mitt.


Source: CNN

A question about superdelegates

Is selling your soul a prerequisite for becoming a superdelegate?

Super Tuesday 2008: state by state analysis

Twenty-four states are holding a mixture of cauci and primaries today, holding the hopes of the remaining presidential candidates in the balance. I do realize that "cauci" is not actually a word, and that "caucuses" is the plural for "caucus" - but, "cauci" should be a word, and should be used more often in the mainstream media. I'm ahead of the curve, as usual.

Alabama Primaries -

A southern Democrat state since the 1860s, Alabama has more recently been wooed by the Republicans. But today, both parties are vying for the hearts and votes of Dixie, toward the ultimate goal of being the guy (or mouthy broad) who gets to follow George.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Alaska Cauci -

39 of Alaska's 84 registered voters will gather with bait breath today, to hear who they're supposed to vote for at this summer's conventions. Alaska is really pretty irrelevant.

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Arizona Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Arkansas Primaries -

Stuttgart, Arkansas is known as the "Rice Capital of the World." I've been there, and can attest to the fact that it is a rice wonderland. So, we interviewed local rice farmer Jerry Dale Marvin about the upcoming primaries: "Arkansas is an enigma wrapped inside a riddle tucked in the corner of a rice paddy," he expounded. "If you talk to an average Arkansan, they'll tell you they can't stand those pretentious Clintons. Yet, when it comes time to vote, we can't wait to see our favored sons sit on the high thrown in Washington. This year is no different." No different, indeed, Jerry Dale.

Winners: Hillary & Mike

California Primaries -

California has more people than it knows what to do with, and most of them are at the In 'n Out in Barstow right now waiting to order.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Colorado Cauci -

We're hoping to provide an up close and personal viewpoint from one Colorado Caucus.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Connecticut Primaries -

No Yalies in this group, laments a saddened Connecticut populace.

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Delaware Primaries -

This state has just two "e"s in its name.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Georgia Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Idaho Caucus -

Must appeal to the large Morman, potato-farming, and anti-government militia constituencies if you're going to carry the day in Idaho.

Winner: Barack

Illinois Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Kansas Donkey Caucus -

Winner: Barack

Massachusetts Primaries -

Massachusetts voters will be out of luck, as the Diebold voting machines will head to the locker room with time remaining on the clock. When asked about possible vote contamination that may have led to Johnny's stunning defeat, they respond with an unenthusiastic "No."

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Minnesota Cauci -

Winners: Hillary & Johnny

Missouri Primaries -

Winners: Hillary & Johnny

Montana Elephant Caucus -

Winner: Johnny

New Jersey Primaries -

In one of the more underrated primary contests, the large Garden State contingent comes out in full force and delivers the knockout blow for Barack & Johnny. Barack wins over the electorate by promising to rename the local football team from the inaccurate New York Giants to the geographically apt New Jersey Giants. Shameless, shameless politics.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

New Mexico Cauci -

Winner: Barack

New York Primaries -

In one of the more overrated primary contests, the large Manhattan State contingent comes out in full force and delivers the day's biggest victory for Hillary. Hillary wins over the electorate by promising the prevent the renaming of the New Jersey football team from the inaccurate New York Giants to geographically apt New Jersey Giants. More power to ya, Hill.

Winners: Hillary & Johnny

North Dakota Cauci -

Unable to unfreeze the voting machines, officials officially recognize the insignificance of North Dakota and flip a coin.

Winners: Hillary & Mitt

Oklahoma Primaries -

Upon gaining the victory in Oklahoma, Barack demonstrates his inherant rhythm and incredible vocal range by bellowing "Oooooooooo-klabama where the wind comes sweeping down the plain! Where the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the raaaaiiiinnnn!!! Oklabamaaaaaaa O.K!!" O.K. indeed.

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Tennessee Primaries -

Winners: Barack & Johnny

Utah Primaries -

Nary a dry eye in the house, as Mitt concedes victory to Johnny, shortly after winning the Utah Primary. Technically, Mitt won both primaries, but was disqualified when it was learned that he was not officially on the donkeys' ballot, much to the chagrin of all seven Utah Democrats and several Osmonds.

Winners: Barack & Mitt

West Virginia Elephant Primary Part I -

No sitting president has visited West Virginia since 1893.

Winner: Johnny

As you have probably surmised, today's big winners will be Johnny & Barack. Johnny actually nails down the elephant nomination, as Mitt will concede within the next four days. Barack has a strong showing as well, particularly with his surprise victory in California. It's not enough to seal the victory, as Hillary could go from favorite-to-underdog-to-comeback kid. We shall see.

Map of the results

Feuling the anti-animal agenda

I am writing this as a plea to my friends in the animal kingdom, particularly to the donkeys and elephants who seem to be particularly hated anymore. Please, please be careful of your actions, so as not to incite the animal-haters to even more disturbing heights of animal hatred. I can only imagine the dollar signs that cross Tim Bedore's eyes when he hears a story like the one I'm about to tell you, as he likely knows it's only a matter of time before he becomes the humanitalistic mouthpiece to compliment that nationalistic mouthpiece, Lou Dobbs. Can you even imagine this country without the elephants and the illegals? It would be a country not worth loving.

Here's what happened, according to the vast liberal media: an American human was walking around Wild Elephant Valley in the Xishuangbanna region of the Yunnan province in China, near dusk. The man, Jeremy Allen McGill, is an English teacher in Wuhan. According to reports, the elephant picked the man up using his considerable trunk, and tossed him to the ground. This resulted in fractured ribs, stomach injuries, and a fear of elephants.

Here's what the liberal media won't tell you: an American human was walking around Wild Elephant Valley in the Xishuangbanna region of the Yunnan province in China, near dusk. The man, Jeremy Allen McGill, is an English teacher in Wuhan. He was carrying with him an "English for Dummies" book, and attempting to teach the elephant his native tongue. When the elephant was unable, he proceeded to taunt the elephant with insults such as "how are you gonna take over the world, when you can't even learn English?," and "if elephants have such great memories, why doesn't that affect my frustration about your inability to remember how to effectively use the words affect and effect?," and "don't raise your trunk at me ... you do not want to raise that trunk at me ... did you hear me? Are you deaf? Holy crap ................ NOOOOOOOOOO ...... PUT ME DOOOOWWN ........ I'll be NIIIICE!!!!"

THUMP.

Click for a location map of the festivities

As is usually the case, this is another example of an elephant being verbally assaulted, reacting as any of us would, and then being made out by the vast liberal media to be an animal because of it. If you humans learn anything from this, it's to let elephants be elephants. Don't try to Americanize them, and by all means never taunt their inability to capture the exceeding complexities of the English language.

Updating the primaries & cauci

As you are aware, next Tuesday is what's referred to as "Super Tuesday" in the political world. This is the day when donkeys & elephants gather together at pre-determined locations in 24 states to declare their uncompromising loyalty to someone they've never met, and who makes a living out of lying to the camera. You can imagine, I'm pretty thrilled to follow the action - so thrilled that I may decide to skip work just to watch the action on television.

In the spirit of providing really awesome maps of the proceedings, I've created a fantastic follow-up map to yesterday's prediction map. Today, we look at where we are - which candidates have won each caucus or primary, and how would they look with their giant heads floating above those states. I hope you enjoy!

Handicapping the 2008 election

We periodically enjoy handicapping the election. Now seems like as good a time as ever to get it started, as we're less than a week away from "Super Tuesday!" Below, you'll see a variety of numbers and words, followed by a really cool map. If you really like the maps, please offer me a six-figure salaried job and I'll then tell your lies and truth stretchings with high quality map products.

note: we have narrowed the field down to viable candidates Hillary, Barack, Johnny, and Mitt

Likelihood of each candidate to reach the general election:
Johnny - 80%
Barack - 60%
Hillary - 40%
Mitt - 20%

Likelihood of each candidate to beat each potential general election opponent:
Johnny over Hillary - 75% (25%)
Barack over Johnny - 85% (15%)
Barack over Mitt - 90% (10%)
Hillary vs. Mitt - 50% (50%)

Likelihood that each candidate will be elected in November:
Barack - 51.6%
Johnny - 31.2%
Hillary - 12.0%
Mitt - 5.2%

Proposed betting odds* for each candidate:
Barack - 1:1
Johnny - 3:1
Hillary - 7:1
Mitt - 20:1
* This is not an actual betting opportunity, as we have no money to back it up

The following map and associated Electoral College projections are based on the numbers above, accounting for the various combinations. It simply shows the projected party that each state will align with. I don't consider Nebraska or Maine real states, so their split votes are being ignored.

click for full version

Associated Electoral College votes:
Democratic Candidate - 248 (19 states, one district)
Republican Candidate - 216 (24 states)
Too close to project - 74 (7 states)
Electoral College votes needed to win - 270

Projected "swing" states:
Colorado, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New Mexico, Ohio

The Sun City King of the Florida Republican Primary

Last Thursday, Senator John McCain and wife, Cindy, hopped on board their brand spankin' new custom RV, and drove from their winter home in Sun City West, Arizona across Interstate 10 to Florida, where they set up camp with good friends Pam and Pat Prescott, in Sun City Center, Florida. Along the way, Johnny ate seven meals at Cracker Barrel, obliviously ran twelve Honda Civics off the road (including two hybrids in a ten minute span near San Antonio), and used the on board facilities three-hundred and seventy-two times (over one hundred in Texas alone).

The long journey was worth it, as he watched the results come in during a late 5:00 dinner at the local Bob Evans, with dozens of his supporters. He picked up a key endorsement along the way, as former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani plans to drop out of the presidential race and to then endorse Johnny. Coincidentally, Rudy was at his new home over at the corner of Del Webb Blvd and Del Webb Ave during the festivities, and is reported to be positioning himself for the Vice Presidential nomination. He could not be reached for comment as he was busy having his lawyer draft divorce papers.

In related news, Senator Hillary Clinton ran away with the castrated Florida Democratic Primary, earning an astounding zero delegates for this summer's Democratic National Convention. Upon seeing television coverage of Hillary's victory, local 9-hole par three course record-holder Jean Walton turned to her husband and said, "Isn't that Fred Steinberg's new girlfriend? I think her name is Marjorie. I can't believe he's dating someone so much younger than him. Patsy told me that she heard from Jerri that Marjorie knows her way around a buffet, if you know what I mean." Milton Walton then stuttered half under his breath, "for pete's sake woman, do you ever stop talking? That's not Marjorie. That's Hillary Clinton. The former president's wife. For Fred's sake I wish it was, because Marjorie is a horse." "What, honey? Did you say something?," retorted Jean quizzically.

During his victory speech, Johnny stated boisterously, "Tonight, my friends, we celebrate. Tomorrow, it's back to lawn bowling and involuntary mid-conversational naps."

2008 State of the Union Address: democrapublican response

This is the twelfth consecutive year, and twenty-seventh overall, that I will share my reactions to the State of the Union Address. It has been long rumored that the late Peter Jennings would wait to read the democrapublican response before going on camera to offer any observations. You'll soon understand his reliance.

- This year, the TelePrompTer was operated by White House AV Club Vice President, Jeffrey Singleton, formerly the President of the AV Club at Mallard Creek High School in Charlotte, North Carolina. Go Mavericks! Way to represent, Jeffrey!

- President Bush wants the United States to reduce its dependence on oil. In an effort to expedite the process, George has flown Air Force One (yes, he's a pilot) to Riyadh sixteen times to meet personally with Sultan bin Abdul Aziz, the Saudi Crown Prince, attempting to determine whether or not there are any abundant Middle Eastern resources that may be used as alternative fuel sources. The leading possibilities right now are: palm oil, gold, silver, myrrh, and harnessing the latent heat of sand. In a rare improvisational moment, George shared the details of an exchange between the two leaders: "So, I said, 'Princy,' I call him Princy. I said, 'Princy, you seen the cost of a barrel of oil lately? Pretty outrageous?' 'Yes, George,' Princy said, 'I knew it must be so when my driver pulled up in a Rolls to drive me from my yacht's fifth level sun deck to dinner at the Four Seasons located next to the Virgin Room behind the bridge. Apparently, they replaced the entire yacht automobile fleet!' I just about died laughing, 'cause I remember those cramped Mercedes sedans they used to shuttle us in."

- Reaffirmed commitment to work towards reversing the growth of greenhouse gasses. Prediction: next year's Academy Award winning film-inspired action will be to remove all coinage from circulation, in order to limit the spread of Javier Bardem, friend-o.

- About Iraq, Bush laid the groundwork for a potential early fall 2008 invasion of Baghdad. The idea harkens back to the glory days of 2003 when the vast liberal media conspiracy vastly and liberally mediated their conspiratorial news stories by parroting the administration's foreign policy verbatim, in fact directly from the talking points distributed at the 1600 P.A. lemonade stand by Scooter Libby.

- Promised to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by December 2008. He then started to re-tell his Sultan bin Abdul Aziz story, before Jeffrey got his attention and focused him back on the TelePrompTer.

If I seem sardonic in this post, it's just because my stomach is upset. Actually, I missed most of the speech as a result. By "most," I mean "all." But, I do sincerely apologize if I come across as skeptical.

In summary, I found the speech to be inspiring, the President to be more handsome than ever, and could not be more thrilled to see 2008 play out in America. I didn't even mind having to wait longer than usual for the American Idol auditions. Had I watched the speech, I feel certain that I would be even more thrilled.

"Donkeys are really nice"

Five year-old reading "colors" book to one year-old.

Five year-old turns to "brown" page.

Five year-old points to brown donkey, states matter-of-factly, "Brown Donkey. Donkeys are really nice!"

True story.

Brilliant five year-old.

Me <-- Really proud Pa.

Perissodactylae

I recently realized that I am very uninformed when it comes to the donkey's family. It's not that I've completely ignored opportunities for zooligical learning in my lifetime, it's simply that I haven't paid much attention when those opportunities were placed in front of me. So I googled the donkey on Wikipedia. In learning myself on the donkey's family, I realized that my readership would likely also like to be learned on the subject. Now, I proceed.

The donkey is a member of the order Perissodactyla, more commonly referred to as odd-toed ungulates. I'm sure that your reaction is as mine was, that the collective number of toes on the animal must equate to an odd number. That, or my alternate theory, that their toes are simply odd-shapen. But, you're wrong. In fact, they're referred to as odd-toed because they have an odd number of toes on each individual hoof. For instance, 1. Perhaps, 5. More commonly, 3. Assuming your neighborhood perissodactyl has four legs, as is apparently common among land mammals, you can perform the simple math and come to the conclusion that he or she has an even number of toes, likely 12 (donkeys have 4). And, like me, you're thinking that they should really be called even-toed ungulates, because who cares about each individual hoof - I'm concerned with the whole of the being. But, apparently there are other ungulates that are referred to as even-toed ungulates, which means that ungulates like ours cannot be called even-toed ungulates, and that they must inaccurately be labeled as odd-toed ungulates. Don't get me started on labels. Are you following me?

Perhaps the more interesting identifying characteristic of perissodactylae is in their tummies. Instead of digesting plant cellulose in their stomachs, they digest plant cellulose in their intestines. In other words, they are hindgut fermenters. Other ungulates, like cows and hippos, are foregut fermenters. I don't know what all of this means, but I think it has something to do with how they make doo doo.

There's a bunch of other stuff on the Wikipedia page about their development, their habitats, their dead ancestors, their social structures, their dominant characteristics, but I suspect that if I wrote it your mind would be wandering by the end. Instead, I'll simply list them, and include some cool pictures.

The following perissodactylae are from the suborder Hippomorpha. I know what you're thinking - "pictures of hippos!" But, get this: the suborder Hippomorpha does not include hippopotamuses. "How did it get its name," you ask? No clue.

Perissodactyla hippomorpha:

- Przewalski's Horse

- Domestic, or Wild, Horse

- Donkey, or African Ass

- Onager, or Asiatic Ass (not to be confused with the post-classical Roman siege engine, though the latter is the namesake of the former)

- Kiang, or Tibetan Wild Ass

- Plains Zebra

- Cape Mountain Zebra

- Hartmann's Mountain Zebra

- Grevy's Zebra

Have you heard the rumor that Mr. Ed was actually played by a zebra, but that the color distinction wasn't apparent to the end viewer because the show was filmed in panchromatic tones? It's not true, I just wondered if you've heard it.

Onager, resting on dirt

The rest of the perissodactylae are from the suborder Ceratomorpha, and either the family Tapiridae or Rhinocerotidae. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Perissodactyla ceratomorpha:

- Brazilian Tapir

- Mountain Tapir

- Baird's Tapir

- Malayan Tapir

- Black Rhinoceros

- White Rhinoceros

- Indian Rhinoceros

- Javan Rhinoceros

- Sumatran Rhinoceros

Javan Rhinoceros, chewing

A few important words about perissodactylae doo doo:

As I mentioned earlier, the perissodactylae are distinguishable from other ungulates by their hindgut fermenters. Once their food has been digested, it "is stored in a pouch-like extension of the small intestines called the caecum." Did you know that you likely have a caecum? Yes sir, yes sir, the human caecum is adjacent to the appendix. Of course, the appendix is the organ that has the important function of funding your surgeon's kid's apartment rent payments while they're studying at Brown. But, I digest. The caecum in herbivores, such as our friends the perissodactylae, are rather large, and host a number of bacteria. These "bacteria aid in the enzymatic breakdown of plant materials," such as stems and petals and bark. Later on, doo doo appears.

All information and quotes attributable directly to Wikipedia, then to a variety of other sources which may or may not be identified on said Wikipedia pages.

Bill Clinton, mouthy broad

When it comes to former Presidents of the United States of America, Bill is clearly the youngest one living. At the relatively young age of 61, Bill is more than 22 years younger than his immediate predecessor, George the Elder.

That's all well and good, but does that in itself qualify him to place himself in the middle of the 2008 election cycle? I think so. In fact, when you combine that with his new post-heart surgery gaunt look, and his beautifully formed coif of white hair, I can think of no other person that I would want to see whoring himself for camera time in the name of his presidential bid. By that I mean his wife Hillary's presidential bid, of course.

While I always enjoy seeing Bill in front of the microphones slamming his (Hillary's) political opponents, I particularly enjoy seeing Bill in front of the microphones slamming Barack. It seems that every time he opens his mouth on camera, he's either telling reporters how terrible Barack is, or telling them that instead of conducting this interview, they should be covering how terrible Barack is. Sometimes, he goes to college campuses and tells students (on camera) that they should demand that the media tell them more about how terrible Barack is. In fact, I was watching an old Saturday Night Live episode from the early 90s, and there was Phil Hartman as Bill in a debate with Dana Carvey as Church Lady, and Bill was telling Church Lady that if he were elected, he would demand changes in media practices to include telling the American people how terrible Barack is. As Bill apparently sees it, there is nothing more pressing for the media to focus on than Barack, and his terrible ... terribilit ... terriblenes ... and how terrible he is.

This brings us to yesterday. Bill was busy campaigning on the coast of South Carolina, when a reporter asked him a question that had nothing to do with how terrible Barack is. As anyone would, Bill took offense to the question, and answered with the following tirade:

"They're feeding you this because this is what you want to cover; this is what you live for, but this hurts the people of South Carolina. What you care about is this and the Obama people know that, so they spin you up on this and you happily go along. The people don't care about this. They never ask about it. And you are determined to take this election away from them. One more story. Shame on you. Shame on you."

- Bill, January 23, 2008

As Anderson Cooper Vanderbilt succinctly stated last night, "... the Obama campaign is the only one playing the spin game ..." (paraphrasing). And, he's right, the Barack campaign is the only one playing the spin game. While the media continues to take its cues from Barack, nobody is being told how terrible Barack is.

I look forward to a day when the media returns its focus to what is really important: how terrible Bill thinks Barack is.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm taking this opportunity to break from my normal blogonality, and to write a few inadequate words on the man who epitomizes this great country for me. It's no stretch to say that of all the men and women who have lived and died for this nation, Martin Luther King, Jr. is the one who stands out as my hero.

Slavery had been abolished a century before, yet this country remained mired in what seems to me an unthinkable practice of racial discrimination and segregation. During his formative years, King lived in that unthinkable world as he grew up in urban Atlanta, Georgia. It's difficult to imagine that he was only 24 when he first became the pastor at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery. An incredible legacy of peaceful protests in the face of violent opposition followed, as King and his peers successfully led the overturning of racial segregation in public transportation as inspired by Rosa Parks, the overturning of Jim Crow laws beginning with the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957 and culminating in the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts of 1965, the incredible March on Washington that climaxed with his "I Have a Dream" speech, the horror of what became Bloody Sunday and the subsequent, successful Selma to Montgomery March.

It seems inevitable, if no less horrific, that King met such a violent end. "Ben, make sure you play Take My Hand, Precious Lord in the meeting tonight. Play it real pretty." Not a perfect man, not to be worshipped, but still an incredible American, Christian, and human being.

I know you are asking today, "How long will it take?" Somebody's asking, "How long will prejudice blind the visions of men, darken their understanding, and drive bright-eyed wisdom from her sacred throne?" Somebody's asking, "When will wounded justice, lying prostrate on the streets of Selma and Birmingham and communities all over the South, be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men?" Somebody's asking, "When will the radiant star of hope be plunged against the nocturnal bosom of this lonely night, plucked from weary souls with chains of fear and the manacles of death? How long will justice be crucified, and truth bear it?" I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because "truth crushed to earth will rise again." How long? Not long, because "no lie can live forever." How long? Not long, because "you shall reap what you sow."

Martin Luther King, Jr. March 25, 1965

A preview of South Carolina

I don't mean to suggest that the Nevada Caucus is unimportant, but the South Carolina Primary is important, which I can't say about the Nevada Caucus. So important, I declare, that the winners are highly likely to face off in November. I don't like to waste your time, so here goes.

1. South Carolina Primary - Elephants
I'm clueless. I can't read the people of South Carolina, which is kinda ironic. But, what I know is this: Ken Huckabee is a lock to lead the South Carolina Primary until the 11th hour. At the 11th hour, as Rudy and Mitt enjoy a burlesque show together in Vegas, Huckabee will watch in a helpless stupor as the Diebolds take a huge swing westward. Johnny snatches victory from the jaws of irrelevance, and leaves South Carolina with an enormous weekend sweep of the South Carolina Primary and the New Mexico Caucuses.



2. South Carolina Primary - Donkeys
Much more interesting than the baby elephant walk the Saturday before, Columbia will be enthralled by the goings on in the donkey primary. Will the South Carolina people support a mouthy broad? What about a sorta black dude? Or, a short, politically irrelevant guy? Or, will they stick with my first instinct and go with John E. from the cooler Carolina? As the day unfolds, it is clear that this one is going down to the wire. The second weekend of the tournament is clearly going to be more interesting than the first. John E. generally holds small leads throughout, while Hillary and Barack duke it out to see if either can challenge him. As the day winds down, it becomes apparent that Edwards is the soup du jour, and that Barack will leave with a solid #2 finish. Until Hillary pulls up from the top of the key and her shot nestles into the net. On the subsequent possession, Barack trips over Dennis while trying to pass the ball up court to John E., and Hillary takes it away - along with the lead, as her three pointer from the elbow bounces off the rim, the backboard, and the rim again before falling through. She ices the game from the free throw line, and ends up with a strong 13 point victory in South Carolina. Let the inauguration planning commence.